Newly Single Mom Plucks Nipples

APPLE VALLEY, CA – After 14 years in a mostly loveless marriage (and six years since a real, good nipple pluckin’), Juliana Powers, 42, is back on the dating scene and she’s ready to make up for all those lost slut years. “You never know. Maybe I’ll be macking on some hottie and he’ll feel me up,” she says, using slang nobody has used since before the internet. “I don’t want him reaching under my blouse thinking I forgot my loofah up there.”

After nursing her three adorable kids, her nipples aren’t what they were in high school. Nor should they be. Those were girl nipples and Juliana is a woman. A woman who’s birthed life and sustained it with those gummed up, nobby, brownish, pencil erasers of hers. “I hate to admit, I was a little embarrassed by my nipples. So I just kinda let them go,” she says, conservatively.

If letting one’s nipple hair grow to the point of full on hair donuts, the outline of which can be seen through a bra, is “letting them go” then I guess we’re playing fast and loose with how we describe things. And that’s okay. She had shit to do. They’re her fucking nipples. And now they’re ready to shine!

She’s having fun on Tinder and set up a date for this Friday. An adult date. With a man probably named Nick. At night. With drinks. And a fresh condom in her purse. Just in case. “These nipples are primed and ready for action,” she says. “I dare you to try to keep them off the dance floor!”

Ms. Powers nipples will be available for viewing on The Branding Iron dance floor this Friday night after 11:30 or 5 drinks. Whichever comes first. $10 cover. DJ Scurvy on the ones and twos.

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