LONG ISLAND, NY – After a recent relocation from Manaus, Brazil to the Big Apple, advertising executive Joao Silva, 39, is eager to help his eight year old son fit in as the new kid in a new country. “Americans love baseball. I want my son to be part of the group at the parks and at school. So, like many American dads, we spend some time after my day at work, in the backyard, just kicking around a baseball,” he says. “I feel silly wearing the glove, but it’s important to blend in when you’re trying to make new friends.”
In Brazil – known more for its love of soccer and jiu-jitsu – the American pastime is gaining enough popularity for its growing population of 207 million to know the sport exists. “I’m still learning the rules,” Silva admits. “Like when the – how you say – umpire blows the whistle for a foul, is that a free pitch or a touchdown? Either way, Victor is learning how to dive to get the umpire’s attention.”
His son, Paulo, is fitting in well. He leads his little league team in goals by a wide margin.
The Blanks enjoy streaming some crap instead of enjoying each other.
FLAGSTAFF, AZ – On Thursday night, after a long day, the kids were down, the kitchen cleaned, and all the toys put away, John and Karen Blank were planning on cuddling on the couch, watching a little something, and then heading up to bed for a little sex. Until Netflix suggested they watch a documentary – King Corn – and their plans for a night of suburban romance came crashing down around them. “This isn’t what I was expecting,” says John. “I thought we’d get through 10 minutes tops – like when we tried to watch that vegan documentary. Then we’d be up in bed, trying to make love without waking the kids. But I guess Netflix had other plans.”
“Intimacy is the bond that holds a marriage together so, to us, we make an effort to focus on each other at least once, maybe twice a month,” Karen said. “But I can’t think about our bodies rubbing together when they’re just filled with corn. I gotta see how this ends.”
“I one hundred percent agree. There’s nothing more important in a relationship than a strong, sexual appetite for one another. Unfortunately my appetite is gone. I look at her and all I see is a corn cob,” John added. “Who wants to make love a corn cob?”
Karen says all she wants to do after the documentary is “throw away every box of food in the cupboard.” And John will be at the sink dumping out all the salad dressings and condiments. “There’s just no time for sex.”
“Sex just isn’t gonna happen tonight. We’ll go to bed together, but Karen will be looking up Keto-friendly recipes while I search for nutrition-related podcasts. Do I wanna have sex? Sure. At some point. But tonight, finishing this documentary is more important.”
The Blanks say this time, they’re serious. They’re gonna make the permanent lifestyle changes to live healthier lives. “And it’s gonna be longer than two days this time. Not like after that time we watched the sugar documentary and I was at Baskin Robins after Yoga class,” Karen says.
SANTA FE SPRINGS, CA – Before a yawning audience of three fellow pool-party goers, Tamara Bennington, 36, continues to drone on about some forgettable experience she recently had at an indoor bounce house facility, while her husband, Dave, 35, keeps interjecting with meaningless, momentum-killing corrections that makes this story feel like it’s never going to end. “…so for a change of scenery we took the kids to the indoor park in La Mirada for the first time, and let me tell you, Sundays are apparently the wrong day to go.”
“Saturday. We went on Saturday,” said Dave – who should just shut the fuck up so we can get back to swimming.
“Right. Saturday. Because Sunday we went to the mall. Where I got this coverup on sale at Nordstrom–“
“You got the coverup at Macy’s.”
“It was Macy’s,” Tamara continued, not realizing we’ve already tuned her out.
Tamara went into detail about how the snack bar at the place in Downey is better but the place in La Mirada has open play on the weekends. What took us a single sentence to convey took a minimum of three minutes for Tamara to get out thanks to Dave’s non-stop interrupting.
“I was on one of those jumpy things with the kids–“
“They’re called a bounce house. Or I guess you could say moon bounce,” Dave corrected, reminding us all what hell must be like.
“I don’t think anyone calls it a moon bounce, Dave. Anyways–“
Her audience, trapped only by waning politeness, are each individually planning their escape. “I have no idea where this story is going. I don’t even remember where or why it started,” whispered neighbor Melody Tremaine. “All I know is, 30 more seconds of this, and I’m gonna need to fake an important call.”
“Tyler! Get off your sister’s back! Don’t make me tell you again!” yelled Scott Kizer, staring at the pool, not even pretending to pay attention anymore.
Tamara has gone on a tangent, complaining about the parenting style of some lady none of us will ever meet who apparently let her kid in the bounce house with a bag of Doritos.
“It was Chex mix.”
“Jesus Christ, Dave! Nobody gives a shit!” we all want to scream. In a case of perfect timing, the audience has been stirred from their coma as Ms. Tremaine notices one of the Rodriguez boys floating face down in the deep end. “Oh my god! Nathan!,” she screams with half horror, half relief as the mind-numbing story comes to an abrupt end.
UPDATE: Nathan is fine. He was just playing a game. Either way, his parents say he will be getting a Slurpee on the way home as a reward for saving them from that god awful story.
SANTA FE SPRINGS, CA – Before a yawning audience of three fellow pool-party goers, Tamara Bennington, 36, continues to drone on about some forgettable experience she recently had at an indoor bounce house facility, while her husband, Dave, 35, keeps interjecting with meaningless, momentum-killing corrections that makes this story feel like it’s never going to end. “…so for a change of scenery we took the kids to the indoor park in La Mirada for the first time, and let me tell you, Sundays are apparently the wrong day to go.”
“Saturday. We went on Saturday,” said Dave – who should just shut the fuck up so we can get back to swimming.
“Right. Saturday. Because Sunday we went to the mall. Where I got this coverup on sale at Nordstrom–”
“You got the coverup at Macy’s.”
“It was Macy’s,” Tamara continued, not realizing we’ve already tuned her out.
Tamara went into detail about how the snack bar at the place in Downey is better but the place in La Mirada has open play on the weekends. What took us a single sentence to convey took a minimum of three minutes for Tamara to get out thanks to Dave’s non-stop interrupting.
“I was on one of those jumpy things with the kids–”
“They’re called a bounce house. Or I guess you could say moon bounce,” Dave corrected, reminding us all what hell must be like.
“I don’t think anyone calls it a moon bounce, Dave. Anyways–”
Her audience, trapped only by waning politeness, are each individually planning their escape. “I have no idea where this story is going. I don’t even remember where or why it started,” whispered neighbor Melody Tremaine. “All I know is, 30 more seconds of this, and I’m gonna need to fake an important call.”
“Tyler! Get off your sister’s back! Don’t make me tell you again!” yelled Scott Kizer, staring at the pool, not even pretending to pay attention anymore.
Tamara has gone on a tangent, complaining about the parenting style of some lady none of us will ever meet who apparently let her kid in the bounce house with a bag of Doritos.
“It was Chex mix.”
“Jesus Christ, Dave! Nobody gives a shit!” we all want to scream. In a case of perfect timing, the audience has been stirred from their coma as Ms. Tremaine notices one of the Rodriguez boys floating face down in the deep end. “Oh my god! Nathan!,” she screams with half horror, half relief as the mind-numbing story comes to an abrupt end.
UPDATE: Nathan is fine. He was just playing a game. Either way, his parents say he will be getting a Slurpee on the way home as a reward for saving them from that god awful story.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. Department of Labor has determined, that if they were paid for services rendered, the medium salary of a stay-at-home mother would be roughly $162,000 per year. Far more than you could get a highly qualified nanny for. “If stay-at-home parents were paid what they’re worth, it would be more than four times the amount you’d be, guilt-free, paying a nanny to take care of what’s most valuable to you,” a Labor Department Spokesperson says. “And about eight times what you could legally get away with.”
Nannies, which range anywhere from $400 to $1500 a week, are going at a deep discount compared to biological mothers – and, normally, include the added bonus of foreign language immersion. “I guess a stay-at-home mom could turn on a Rosetta Stone lesson instead of Netflix while she sits on the couch, scrolling through Instagram, but it’s just not the same lifelong learning experience as day-to-day conversation with a native speaker,” says Yale linguistics professor Carl Lythefeld.
Economists agree that any mother with annual earning potential above $65,000 aren’t considering the financial losses they’re accruing by staying at home with their children. “I understand that a mother’s love is priceless, but there’s no reason to pay 4,5 even 8 times the market rate for changing diapers, cooking dinner and vacuuming,” according to an Economics professor – who wished not to be named. “Say your salary is $65,000, and you pay a nanny $40,000 to walk your kid to the park, clean the bathrooms and grab the mail. That’s a $25,000 difference per annum. You could buy a boat in three years and give your kids vacation memories they’ll carry for a lifetime.”
“I hate to sound anti-mom or something, but I don’t understand where these numbers come from. Any mother of small children with a market value of $162,000 a year already has a nanny,” she added. “You think I’m giving up tenure so I can potty train? No way. That’s what Estrella is for.”
LANCASTER, CA – After a grueling summer spent mostly indoors playing video games in the high desert city about an hour’s drive from Los Angeles, CA, Alex and Jasper Cunningham, 14 and 11 respectively, are finally outside playing soccer with the neighborhood kids after learning a way to cool off. “I went out to grab the mail yesterday and Dad told me to shut the door or we’d cool the whole neighborhood down,” Alex says. “I thought, ‘what a great idea!'”
“It’s nice to finally be outside in the sun, running around, playing, instead of inside building a fort or watching Price is Right for the 50th time,” Jasper weighed in. “It’s what kids are supposed to be doing – we are reminded almost every day.”
The Cunningham kids messaged their new revelation to the other neighborhood boys and in a joint effort to cool down the block, they say all the kids have joined in. Alex says, “Kade from around the block has his doors open. Jake M turned his AC all the way up and opened every bedroom window in the house. Jake K knows how to turn his parents car on, so he’s got the air blasting with the windows down and the radio on. The Lachey brothers got theirs going. Kids from other blocks are coming over to hang out and play soccer. It feels like mid fall. A little chilly even. It’s great for running around.”
With most of the neighborhood’s parents at work during the day and the kids left to entertain themselves, the Cunningham kids say this could lead to year-round outdoor playtime. “I wanna give this a try again during winter break. My teacher said hot air rises, but I bet if we really crank up the heaters in the neighborhood, we can get it warm enough for a game of shirts versus skins football going in December.”
LANCASTER, CA – After a grueling summer spent mostly indoors playing video games in the high desert city about an hour’s drive from Los Angeles, CA, Alex and Jasper Cunningham, 14 and 11 respectively, are finally outside playing soccer with the neighborhood kids after learning a way to cool off. “I went out to grab the mail yesterday and Dad told me to shut the door or we’d cool the whole neighborhood down,” Alex says. “I thought, ‘what a great idea!'”
“It’s nice to finally be outside in the sun, running around, playing, instead of inside building a fort or watching Price is Right for the 50th time,” Jasper weighed in. “It’s what kids are supposed to be doing – we are reminded almost every day.”
The Cunningham kids messaged their new revelation to the other neighborhood boys and in a joint effort to cool down the block, they say all the kids have joined in. Alex says, “Kade from around the block has his doors open. Jake M turned his AC all the way up and opened every bedroom window in the house. Jake K knows how to turn his parents car on, so he’s got the air blasting with the windows down and the radio on. The Lachey brothers got theirs going. Kids from other blocks are coming over to hang out and play soccer. It feels like mid fall. A little chilly even. It’s great for running around.”
With most of the neighborhood’s parents at work during the day and the kids left to entertain themselves, the Cunningham kids say this could lead to year-round outdoor playtime. “I wanna give this a try again during winter break. My teacher said hot air rises, but I bet if we really crank up the heaters in the neighborhood, we can get it warm enough for a game of shirts versus skins football going in December.”
CLEVELAND, OH – After going 1-31 in their last two regular seasons, the Cleveland Browns have made off-season moves that, on paper, make them look like real contenders, but in reality haven’t changed the fact that they still remain the Cleveland Browns. And Cleveland dad, Bryan Speck, 37, couldn’t be more excited. “We got the number one pick in the draft and picked our fourth franchise quarterback in just 5 years, Baker Mayfield! I can’t wait to see if he’s as big a let down as DeShone Kizer, or if he’s more of a Johnny Manziel.”
Combine the number one overall draft pick with the addition of Pro-Bowler Tyrod Taylor just months before, in lieu of a marked improvement to their offensive line, and Speck says says with confidence, “It seems like our front office, thankfully, still have their heads up their asses. I can’t wait to see how we manage to shit the bed again this season.” He continued, “Both QB’s have looked great in the preseason. It’s hard for me to pick which one is gonna lead the league in turnovers this year. Dog pound!”
The Browns signed former Miami Dolphin wide receiver Jarvis Landry from the free agent market to a five year $75 million contract in hopes of bolstering their struggling receiver corps. “He is arguably the best slot receiver in the game. Line him up with Flash Gordon and potential deep threat Corey Coleman and that would’ve been an unstoppable trio of targets – if we hadn’t traded Coleman away during the preseason. We’re off to a Browns start!”
Speck is excited for the return of Josh “Flash” Gordon. “He was a stud in 2013. Remember 2013? Please tell me you remember 2013. It’s highly unlikely he’ll be suspended from the league a fourth time. Guys in their 20’s usually learn their lesson after two or three drug-related suspensions, so we’ll get to watch him be overthrown all season. Hopefully. Hey! Remember 2013?”
With five playoff-caliber players added in the first three rounds of this years draft and plenty of cap space to make last minute moves for an offensive tackle with off-field issues, or to pick up an injury prone tight end, the Browns fans have high hopes for the 2018 season. Hopes that will inevitably turn into disappointment after their upcoming 0-6 start. “We’ve got all the weapons we need to win our division. Luckily we’ve got Hue out there to misuse their talents on every down. I can’t wait to see power back Carlos Hyde split out as a receiver, or how many times we’ll punt on first down. We can always count on Hue to fuck it up.” Referring to Hue Jackson, the Browns head coach, who managed to perform the near-impossible act of taking a group of 53 of some of the world’s top athletes and lead them to an almost perfect string of losses over the past two years – with just one win.
“Our front office understands the fans. They know if we don’t give up on Cleveland the city, we won’t give up on Cleveland the team. We’ll keep buying tickets no matter how fucked our team is. Cleveland strong!”
CLEVELAND, OH – After going 1-31 in their last two regular seasons, the Cleveland Browns have made off-season moves that, on paper, make them look like real contenders, but in reality haven’t changed the fact that they still remain the Cleveland Browns. And Cleveland dad, Bryan Speck, 37, couldn’t be more excited. “We got the number one pick in the draft and picked our fourth franchise quarterback in just 5 years, Baker Mayfield! I can’t wait to see if he’s as big a let down as DeShone Kizer, or if he’s more of a Johnny Manziel.”
Combine the number one overall draft pick with the addition of Pro-Bowler Tyrod Taylor just months before, in lieu of a marked improvement to their offensive line, and Speck says says with confidence, “It seems like our front office, thankfully, still have their heads up their asses. I can’t wait to see how we manage to shit the bed again this season.” He continued, “Both QB’s have looked great in the preseason. It’s hard for me to pick which one is gonna lead the league in turnovers this year. Dog pound!”
The Browns signed former Miami Dolphin wide receiver Jarvis Landry from the free agent market to a five year $75 million contract in hopes of bolstering their struggling receiver corps. “He is arguably the best slot receiver in the game. Line him up with Flash Gordon and potential deep threat Corey Coleman and that would’ve been an unstoppable trio of targets – if we hadn’t traded Coleman away during the preseason. We’re off to a Browns start!”
Speck is excited for the return of Josh “Flash” Gordon. “He was a stud in 2013. Remember 2013? Please tell me you remember 2013. It’s highly unlikely he’ll be suspended from the league a fourth time. Guys in their 20’s usually learn their lesson after two or three drug-related suspensions, so we’ll get to watch him be overthrown all season. Hopefully. Hey! Remember 2013?”
With five playoff-caliber players added in the first three rounds of this years draft and plenty of cap space to make last minute moves for an offensive tackle with off-field issues, or to pick up an injury prone tight end, the Browns fans have high hopes for the 2018 season. Hopes that will inevitably turn into disappointment after their upcoming 0-6 start. “We’ve got all the weapons we need to win our division. Luckily we’ve got Hue out there to misuse their talents on every down. I can’t wait to see power back Carlos Hyde split out as a receiver, or how many times we’ll punt on first down. We can always count on Hue to fuck it up.” Referring to Hue Jackson, the Browns head coach, who managed to perform the near-impossible act of taking a group of 53 of some of the world’s top athletes and lead them to an almost perfect string of losses over the past two years – with just one win.
“Our front office understands the fans. They know if we don’t give up on Cleveland the city, we won’t give up on Cleveland the team. We’ll keep buying tickets no matter how fucked our team is. Cleveland strong!”
Laundry piling up? Or put away? It’s all about perspective.
SCHAUMBURG, IL – After reading “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” by Marie Kondo, local mother of four boys, Janet Thurndon, 39, decided to get rid of all unnecessary furniture items in her home. She thought to herself, “What takes up more space in the house than furniture we rarely use?” She decided to list all the household dressers on Craigslist and utilize the space on the end of the couch nobody sits on to store the family’s clean laundry. In a move toward overall efficiency, Janet points out that the laundry room, family room and door to exit the house once the members of her family are all fully clothed, are all on the first floor level. “What’s the point in bringing clean clothes all the way upstairs if we’re just going to put them on again, head downstairs, and leave?” She’s donated the closet hangers to Goodwill, swapped all the dirty clothes hampers for a giant pile on the top of the dryer, and says, “Now that their closets are free from all that extra clutter, I can just shove all their toys and crap inside and off the floor. Their rooms finally look clean.”
The adjustment has freed up some much needed time for Janet, who says she spent hours a week folding clothes, scaling her staircase with laundry baskets and putting everything neatly away. Then, she would grab the dirty clothes from the upstairs bedrooms, bring them back down stairs, wash them, and repeat the never ending cycle of the meaningless, mindless, empty task of making sure her kids don’t look and smell like third world orphans. “They’re just gonna play in the mud anyways. I don’t want that upstairs. I tell them ‘throw those shirts on top of the dryer and watch TV in your underwear.'”
She’s made other moves to tidy up the home like storing all clean dishes in the dishwasher, and having the boys just keep all their school and soccer stuff in the back of the van. “I love what that book taught me. I feel so relaxed without all that clutter around the house.”
The Nuclear Unit 