That’s Not the Best Way to Wash Mom’s Back, Dad

Your Son.

Dad! First off, what are scorpions made out of? Second, why is the bathroom door closed? What are you guys doing in here? Are you sneaking ice cream again? Teacher says sharing is caring. Oh! You’re trying to wash Mom’s back you say? Well, you’ve got it all wrong, Dad.

Ok! Ok! I’ll leave in just a second! Use your inside voice, please. I just wanna make sure you get this right. I don’t want Mom to have a dirty back.

First off, you’re not even holding the soap. You’re holding Mom’s hips. If you want Mom to have a clean back, you need to actually touch her back – with soap. Her hips are as clean as they’re getting, Dad. Now step back from mom and come turn on the next episode of Spongebob for me. It’s at that part with all the names on the TV and that’s the boring part for adults. So come change it for me. What do you mean you aren’t going to back away from Mom right now?

And, Mom, you’re part of this equation too. Do you even want a clean back? I mean, you’re bent over with your leg up on the soap dish. Are you trying to get away from Dad? It seems like he has a pretty firm grip on your hips. I don’t think you’re going anywhere. And I don’t think you realize how unsafe this looks. You’re always telling me to sit down in the tub, but here you are, standing on one foot, wrestling with Dad, with the shower on. That’s definitely not safe. I’m gonna need a little consistency out of you if you want me to follow the rules.

I gotta poop. Don’t mind me.

Ok. Let’s get this sorted so I can get back in there. I hear the next episode starting. Dad, if you wanna wash Mom’s back, focus on her back. That’s what you tell me: focus. I don’t know what game you guys were playing in here but she didn’t seem like she was enjoying it. She kept making all these noises like you were hurting her. Make sure she wants to play the same game as you, Dad. That’s what you tell me when I’m punching Melissa. Let’s make sure Mom is enjoying the game. Mom? Are you ok? You are? Hey, can I have chocolate milk at snack today?

Stop closing the shower curtain! I gotta tell you something! This is important.

Dad, yesterday I almost had a splinter. But it fell off. It was right here. Dad, look. It was right here. Almost a splinter. Fine! I’ll close the shower curtain. Mom, I’m all done, can you wipe me?

I Wish My Parents Would Die So I Could Become Batman

Sure dead parents would be a cool icebreaker to pick up chicks. And yeah, with dead parents you can kind of get away with pretty much whatever. But I don’t want my parents to die just so I can host high school keg parties and blow their life insurance payouts on a Tesla and paintball. I want them to die so that I can become Batman.

I just started my Junior year in high school and I’m not getting any younger. Bruce Wayne’s parents died when he was like in elementary school. He developed an addiction to justice in his formative years. The same years I developed an addiction to video games. He had years on me in his crime fighting education. What am I gonna do if some supervillain decides to poison the Rancho Cucamonga water supply with a mind control substance? Throw my Xbox at him? Come on!

I need my parents to get t-boned by a drunk driver or stabbed by a meth addict or blown up in a terrorist attack or whatever atrocity will spark my passion for vengeance. Because right now all I have a passion for are memes. And the police commissioner doesn’t make a Bat signal for the best meme creator. You don’t get shit for memes. No matter how dank.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t love my parents or whatever. They’re cool. They let me borrow the van and stuff. But I’m not going to be able to chase down the Joker’s henchmen in a Chrysler Pacifica.

I just feel that what Batman did for Gotham City, I could do for San Bernardino County and my parents’ beating hearts are standing in the way.  I’m not being selfish. I wanna be Batman so I can save cities and stuff. The way I see it, I need these things to happen to fulfill my destiny.

  1. I need my parents to die. Superheroes don’t have parents. Spiderman. Superman. Deadpool. Parents are great for telling you to prepare for college. They’re kinda light on the superhero encouragement.
  2. Work on my cardio. You gotta be able to last in a melee encounter. And if I’m always being told to take out the trash or clean my room or go outside and play ball or whatever, when am I gonna have time to run?
  3. Get a butler. He can take out the trash and clean my room while I Google kung fu videos and really step up my fighting game.
  4. Get a Batsuit. I can’t fight crime rocking Supreme. My shirts are too lit to risk getting blood on.

And that’s it. As soon as my parents kick it, I can get out there and kick some ass. I’m not heartless. I’ll visit their gravesite anytime I need a reminder on why I’ve dedicated my life to fighting crime. I just gotta figure out who’s gonna take care of my little sister when they croak. Do butlers babysit?