My Wish For America by A Conservative Dad

July 17, 2019August 9, 2021 / The Nuclear Unit / Leave a comment

MY WISH FOR AMERICA

When my wife’s Chinese doctor delivered these two perfect little angels into my life, I knew that little Ronnie and baby-girl Reagan needed a strongman to fix this Land of Freedom for them. I had to stand up, turn off the Xbox and do what I could to help save this Great Country – the greatest country ever. I knew I had to do more than make their first words the pledge of allegiance. I knew I had to help make America great again. NOT THAT IT EVER WASN’T! But, more Greater. Again.

WE SHOULD STAND UNITED–

–under God.

I know this isn’t a popular opinion these days in America but God is Love. I didn’t make that up. You can read that anywhere. From in The Bible to the painted mirror hung over our couch. Is it so hard to unite behind Love? Do we even want the kind of people who can’t stand behind Love to be in our country? Amongst us? Come on. Not liking love is like not liking Christmas. And I don’t know anybody that doesn’t like Christmas. Well, other than Ahmed in the Engineering department. Or whatever his name is.

If we could just come together under one common purpose – LOVE – then all this bickering between the Righteous and the Libtards will go away. We can join together and stand against the inherent evils in this world like racism, murder, gun laws and China. It’s a great feeling, being united, in a group, where everybody agrees.

Look, God didn’t make America so we could spend all our time arguing over which person is more racist versus which person hates America the most. God made America to save the world, and if we could stand together – like we did on September 11th, 2001 – under the twin banners of freedom and love – then those transfellas that wanna become girls, and share a toilet with my daughter, Reagan, will see the light. They’ll say Look! Look at how awesome it is to be a soldier of christ! I don’t know what I was thinking back there about hacking my manhood off. I’d rather wear the breastplate of righteousness than a dress!

I won’t need to shame them into repentance. They’ll be overcome by the combined awesomeness of God and Old Glory. They’ll take “pride” in standing up for something that doesn’t involve which pronoun they answer to. These poor ladymen aren’t oppressed, they’re bored!

Nobody’s thinking about butt-fucking when they’re in a foxhole fighting for the greatest country ever to exist . If they ain’t sinning, they’re winning and I’ll take one of those reformed queers on my side any day. I would love to ask one of them how they stay so fit. And I would love to see each and every one of those Fruits in Heaven. I truly would. There is no hate in my heart. Hate the sin. Not the sinner.

Now I don’t want you to get all like this sounds like forcing religion on people. No. I respect the United States Constitution. I carry a copy in my front pocket everyday to remind myself I am in the greatest, most powerful, strongest country ever to exist. Not like North Korea. Ha! That shithole. I wonder what those people say about their country.

No. Unlike North Korea, this country has freedom of religion. Which is the ONE area in which I am pro-choice. There are so many different flavors of Protestant Christianity, preaching all different forms of the one true Truth, that people should be free to make a choice. You don’t have to be a Lutheran! We got all types of denominations. Even Non-Denominational! There’s like 8 or 10 translations of the one, true, Word. So that makes it easy. And if someone tries each one out, and nothing fits, they can always go Catholic. We have plenty of normal religion options the come with acceptable levels of superstition. We don’t need more. Don’t tell me you want a Scientologist on the Supreme Court making selling your stem cells to aliens mandatory. That’s not the America I wanna know.

Once our focus is off of each other, and on The Lord, it’s time to dig in and fix this Greatest Most Bestest Country in the History of Measuring the Greatness of Countries. And we gotta act now, before Bernie Sanders dumps his colostomy bag all over it.

Let’s stand together and stop the bickering.

NO MORE NAME CALLING

Stop calling everybody racist. It’s getting tired. You might as well be calling everyone a witch, like that Ocasio-Cortez tramp. The name calling has to end. I honestly do not even know what “racist” means anymore. The definition has expanded so much to include every white person.

Like when I say, “We gotta build a wall, now! Otherwise, these immigrants are gonna get in here and before you know it we’ll all be speaking Mexican!” Everybody tells me how racist I am. I ain’t racist! Mexican ain’t a race. It’s a country, and a language. I don’t think I’m better because I’m white. Race ain’t got nothing to do with it. I’m better than them, because I’m American. America is my team. I’m better than Mexicans, Indians, Arabs, and Africans but I’m also better than Canadians, English, certainly the Germans definitely those pussy French and ain’t no way I ain’t better than a Jap. Heck, even Barack Hussein Obama is better than them because at least we’re pretty sure he was born here.

I am sick of having to say this over and over again: I am not racist. Even my last car rental was Japanese. I don’t hate anybody. I preach love. Acceptance of Jesus. And a tolerance for me standing to salute my flag. Is that a crime in this country now?

MORE PATRIOTISM

That’s what’s wrong with this country. Everybody’s looking in the mirror, concerned about how many retweets they’re gonna get on Instagram, and not concerning themselves with what Sharia Law might be doing to the fibers of this country. We have to think together, as one, like a country. Like a Voltron made of 50, beautiful, sovereigns who all agree to think the same, that can bury Russia under the Northern Sea, NOW, and not have to wait for climate change to do it.

It’s time for people to stop thinking of themselves as unique, individual, special snowflakes, who deserve free health care just because they pay so much in taxes to fund wars. That ain’t how you win the Game of Thrones. And that’s what these pussies need to know is that countries are all playing a game and we are in it, to win it. What do we win?

All of it.

All I know is America is the greatest country God ever put on this planet. And that’s all I need to know. And that’s why we don’t need to pay teachers all that much. How much money does someone need to teach kids how great God and country is? That’s the easiest job in the world. That’s like teaching them ice cream is delicious and Disneyland is fun.

Come on, America. Let’s do this right.

My Wish For America by Liberal Dad

July 16, 2019August 9, 2021 / The Nuclear Unit / Leave a comment

American dad with daughter — Who’s excited by fairness!

MY WISH FOR AMERICA

As a choice father of an intelligent, ethnically ambiguous, sapien – a sapien who identifies as a female and responds to the pronoun “she” – I am invested in the future of this country, this planet, the internet, the entertainment industry, politics, genetically modified foods, the workplace and everything else I have served up in a social feed. Because my child should be excited by the world she’ll inherit. Not scared that it will turn into the Handmaid’s Tale. Which is a legitimate fear considering who we have as president and all. The way he has spoken about certain women at certain times has been very rude. And rudeness is the first step towards sexually enslaving every fertile member of half the population.

But this isn’t about that man! This is about our country and how I see the future! And it’s nothing like a Hulu original. It’s more like a TED Talk. And if things work out right, it will be. I’m the last person on my block not to have a TED talk.

END RACISM

This is issue number one. America’s past is ugly. From the racist Columbus who, spearheaded Europe’s first White Flight, through today – where Latinx’s are purposefully underrepresented on Afternoon Network television. Are you trying to tell me there are no small claims judges of hispanic descent? Wake up America! Racism is worse than it’s ever been. Just turn on the news, every story is about racism!

Just this year there was the Jussie Smollett assault, that racist Covington High School class at the Indigenous event, Biden basically told Kamala Harris to get to the back of the bus. It’s been a great year for Nazis.

Now, I understand that two of those examples were hoaxes and one was a Democrat who I will vote for in a HEARTBEAT if there isn’t a member of a less represented identity group who gets the Democratic nod. BUT, that doesn’t mean that racism isn’t real, isn’t everywhere, isn’t infecting every one of us, right at this very moment.

You reading this online? You probably see a big white screen dominating little black letters. Just like America. Open the news. It’s story after story like those above. You can’t say racism doesn’t exist just because these stories turned out to be fabricated. Uh uh. You can’t prove non-existence. That’d be a logical fallacy. Pssssh.

But when it comes down to it, who cares what little pranks these people played when our Führer In Chief is out there tweeting at women of color (not only a protected class but also the largest human sub-categor y on the planet) that they should go back where they came from. That kind of behavior is unacceptable from a former beauty pageant owner. That’s not the America I’d like to know anymore. Not since my dad learned to stop saying stuff like that in front of me.

Some people just brush that kind of overt racist attack on . Some might say he’s just a misguided old man who’s under more pressure than he can handle. And maybe he’s running out of insults because this isn’t fun anymore. He thought he was gonna be beloved but he’s having his ego stomped on by a Congresswoman in her 20’s. How is this latest minor tweet storm any worse than his years long birther campaign? One might even ask. But that person is probably a Republican so they are W-R-O-N-G.

The Democrats have been desperately trying to end racism since the 1970s. Dems have been working on fixing racism since Lee Atwater stole the racist base for Nixon in the Southern Strategy. Racists used to vote Blue in the South from the Civil War until like 40 years ago. And while I don’t want any of them employed, it would be nice to have their votes.

I’ll admit, it’s gonna be tough to end racism when everything and everyone is racist. From Betsy Ross flags to Game of Thrones casting to every single mention of chocolate in any form. But that’s why we gotta keep calling out, every instance, no matter how minor, trivial or false. If we aren’t speaking out against the greatest threat to humanity (behind drinking straws), then racism wins.

How can you stay strong in your fight?

HAVE AN IDENTITY

When my lesbian best friends wanted to use my cis-sperm to make a baby, I was more than happy to oblige. Procreation is one of the most natural processes, and although I hadn’t planned on having a child, when Suze and Lilly found out the IVF worked and they had three babies inside of her, my biological clock started screaming and I offered to take the girl off their hands, leaving her brothers together as a unit. Suze and Lil’ were more than happy to oblige. Now I have my perfect little Michael and they can combat rape culture from the inside with the two boys. I hope those boys identify as strong feminist warriors and help keep their bio-sister safe.

What we identify as is so important, because it’s what makes us special. It’s where we find our strength to stand up to the racists. It’s how we choose to see ourselves when we look in the mirror. Not the way society expects us to look, or how Mother Nature made us look. It’s our own perception of how we believe people should see us and it is the core of everything to people who want to feel interesting.

My identity has become Father. I don’t care to bring up my dead identities – age, race, religion, etc. That’s my choice not to bring them up and it’s actually a trigger when people ask so I prefer we just leave it at: Father. Some are triggered in other ways, but this is my triggering. Please respect that.

I can’t wait to see what little multicultural Michael identifies as. She’s got so many options. Her grandma was part Hawaiian. And lots of different countries in Europe. Mainly England. So, pretty mixed. She’s young so she’s still got a couple of decades to figure out her sexual orientation. There’s no such thing as a wrong pronoun for her. I just hope she identifies as something interesting. Not just some boring old mom that stays home and raises the kids like my boring white mom did. But someone that goes to college and becomes something. Like the first civil rights attorney on Mars!

Whatever it is, as long as it’s not the four horseman of the Apocalypse: Straight, White, Christian, Male, I’ll still love her.

If we can end racism and learn to embrace each others identities then the things that push us apart – like each one of us having our own unique thing we identify as – actually bring us together. We can unite our conflicting, confusing, identities and stand together against the people who identify in ways we don’t like!

Doesn’t this feel good when we just embrace everything, no matter how batshit crazy, and just nod along so people don’t think we’re bigots? I love this feeling.

USA!

9 Ways Babies Are Not Shake Weights

July 8, 2019August 9, 2021 / The Nuclear Unit / Leave a comment

Number 12 will make your head spin

Staying fit is tough. As parents our minds are always being pulled in different directions and sometimes things that seem obvious can confuse us. So we put together these 9 simple ways to tell your baby apart from your Shake Weight to avoid any unnecessary trips to the hospital. I guess we just care more than the other family news sites. Watch above, or read below!

Babies are great at working your patience but do nothing for your grip strength.

Shake Weights cost $30. Babies are free!

Babies evolved from monkeys. Shake Weights evolved from laziness.

You can’t just drop a baby off at Goodwill when you’re sick of using it.

Babies take all of your love. Shake Weights take all of your dignity.

Nobody’s gonna care if you steal their Shake Weight.

When you’re angry, you should never take it out on your Shake Weight.

Shake Weights are born potty trained…

…and the birthing process is much easier.

If you enjoyed this post, use those share buttons below to let your friends know how cool you are – reading these underground comedy blogs like some young, beautiful, college student.

That’s Not the Best Way to Wash Mom’s Back, Dad

July 7, 2019August 9, 2021 / Teenage Boy / 1 Comment

Dad! First off, what are scorpions made out of? Second, why is the bathroom door closed? What are you guys doing in here? Are you sneaking ice cream again? Teacher says sharing is caring. Oh! You’re trying to wash Mom’s back you say? Well, you’ve got it all wrong, Dad.

Ok! Ok! I’ll leave in just a second! Use your inside voice, please. I just wanna make sure you get this right. I don’t want Mom to have a dirty back.

First off, you’re not even holding the soap. You’re holding Mom’s hips. If you want Mom to have a clean back, you need to actually touch her back – with soap. Her hips are as clean as they’re getting, Dad. Now step back from mom and come turn on the next episode of Spongebob for me. It’s at that part with all the names on the TV and that’s the boring part for adults. So come change it for me. What do you mean you aren’t going to back away from Mom right now?

And, Mom, you’re part of this equation too. Do you even want a clean back? I mean, you’re bent over with your leg up on the soap dish. Are you trying to get away from Dad? It seems like he has a pretty firm grip on your hips. I don’t think you’re going anywhere. And I don’t think you realize how unsafe this looks. You’re always telling me to sit down in the tub, but here you are, standing on one foot, wrestling with Dad, with the shower on. That’s definitely not safe. I’m gonna need a little consistency out of you if you want me to follow the rules.

I gotta poop. Don’t mind me.

Ok. Let’s get this sorted so I can get back in there. I hear the next episode starting. Dad, if you wanna wash Mom’s back, focus on her back. That’s what you tell me: focus. I don’t know what game you guys were playing in here but she didn’t seem like she was enjoying it. She kept making all these noises like you were hurting her. Make sure she wants to play the same game as you, Dad. That’s what you tell me when I’m punching Melissa. Let’s make sure Mom is enjoying the game. Mom? Are you ok? You are? Hey, can I have chocolate milk at snack today?

Stop closing the shower curtain! I gotta tell you something! This is important.

Dad, yesterday I almost had a splinter. But it fell off. It was right here. Dad, look. It was right here. Almost a splinter. Fine! I’ll close the shower curtain. Mom, I’m all done, can you wipe me?

Are We Really Still Arguing Over Abortion?

July 2, 2019August 9, 2021 / The Nuclear Unit / Leave a comment

Jeeeeeezzzzz– I remember 4 years ago when I was only 4, and I couldn’t even do the monkey bars yet, and Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were talking about abortion and I was like “This seems like a non-issue.” But, lo and behold! Here we are again, four years later, still talking about abortion. Come on! I thought we settled this!

Are abortions happening at the kind of scale that would justify the level to which we talk about abortion? I don’t know. I’m only 8. I don’t get looped into the abortion talk all that much. But it feels like I hear about it in passing a LOT. I mean, if you turn on the Democratic debates it kinda feels like we live in a half Spanish-speaking country of transgender people who all need abortions. Are these the pressing needs of society? Is this why that Hillary lady lost to the funny orange man? Because there aren’t enough abortions or places for transfolk to go potty?

My thoughts on abortion vary from day to day. One day I might think Didn’t Obamacare make abortion obsolete when it made birth control free? Shouldn’t we be arguing a little more about personal responsibility and protecting your body yourself? Isn’t getting pregnant these days just as much of a choice as terminating said pregnancy?

Then the next day I’m like Why does the Christian religion think they own the monopoly on morality? Why would anybody want to have a baby in Alabama while they’re ranked 50th in education, ? Why are there people preventing abortions for poor people when those very same poor people just grow up to fill our already overcrowded, expensive prisons – costing us way more than the $500 abortion? And, if it’s just about no more dead babies, who kills more babies than God? There are way more miscarriages than abortions. God is killing babies all the time whether the mother wants it to happen or not. Maybe we should outlaw God?

So I’m kinda all over the place. It’s like when you ask what milkshake I want. Chocolate! Obviously. Unless they have Strawberry. Oh no! Eenie-meenie-minie…. You get it.

I understand there are cases with extenuating circumstances. Duh. I’m not a 3 year old like my dumb brother. Some women need to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason they feel is important – the life of the mother, the health of the mother, the health of the social life of the mother. All solid enough reasons, if you ask me.

Although I don’t know why you would ask me. This hypothetical pregnancy has nothing to do with me. Abortion has been legal since the 1960s. States have the right to choose how they legislate those rights. Women have the right to move and travel freely between the states to get their abortion, their way, like Burger King. Not everybody can afford that, but not everybody can afford a BMW. Sometimes people will have to deal with bad hands in life and there’s nothing any politician can or should do and that’s just life. I know I’m only in third grade, but stop me when I’m wrong.

It just seems like there are too many ways for women to terminate their pregnancies if that’s what they want that maybe we can move on to talking about what water will be drinkable for me when I’m an adult. Or how to do math as well as the kids in India who are years younger than me. Or whether I should learn Russian or Mandarin if I want to compete in a world where the greatest State Power on the planet spends half its time arguing over whether incest-created life is still life or which week a fetus is viable – neither of which matters to me seeing as how my dad does not sleep with me and birth control is free and readily available to me. What I do know is, I’m watching Octonauts, you guys let me know when you have it sorted out so I never have to hear about it again.

Also, is having a kid that bad? Do we really have to talk about pregnancy as if it’s this life-ruining event? People have been doing it forever. Rich people have kids. Poor people have kids. Some of those kids are easy. Some of those kids are hard. Even the rich parents have hard, expensive kids sometimes. There’s never a perfect time for anything. And yet, the world continues to turn. The species carries on. Maybe we can stop treating pregnancy like cancer? People figure things out. Abortion, adoption, leave it at the fire station, whatever. Ten adults on TV all yelling over each other on how much more pro-choice they are than the other pro-choice person standing next to them seems like a waste of time, though? Maybe? Again, I’m young so maybe there’s something I just don’t see.

I mean, maybe if we lived in a country where kids weren’t murdered at their school desks, less moms would want to kill their babies, but it doesn’t look like THAT problem’s getting solved anytime soon. It’s like my dad who keeps saying he’s going to clean the garage! Haha. Why does my mom even bother to bring it up anymore?

Oh! There’s a new Octonauts episode starting. So I’m gonna stop talking about abortion now. Hopefully, forever.

Love,

Jazzlynn – Mrs. Smith, Room 5

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THIS JUST IN: Your Family Perfect for Reality Show

June 26, 2019August 9, 2021 / The Nuclear Unit / Leave a comment

Everybody’s family is special. But none so special as yours! Somebody should make a show about you guys and how unique you all are! Check out some of these unique families below and share with someone you’re reminded of!!

Your dad is hysterical, when nobody’s around! Stick him in a house full of strange production crew members holding cameras and he’s sure to finally turn that magic on in front of company for once! And grandma can be a hoot, sometimes, we’ve all heard. A thousand times. Watch out Kardashians, there’s a new family dynasty in town!

Your family is definitely pretty enough for a reality show! With your blended, mixed-race marriage and ethnically ambiguous, beautiful stepkids, you’re an advertiser’s dream! As long as dad’s hairline doesn’t go and mom’s underarms stay firm, you’re a shoe-in for 4-7 seasons! Especially if your exes are crazy racist! I smell spinoff potential!

When your soon-to-be famous faces are plastered on billboards and buses across America, you’re sure to turn heads with, whatever you call this arrangement. Are the men lovers? Are they brothers? Are they both? Who’s baby is it really? Holy shit! I just realized someone isn’t wearing their birth gender! Who is it? I guess you’ll have to tune in Thursdays this fall on some deep cable station!

Your family definitely needs a show! You had me at speedos, but then you have a bear?? SPELLING QUIZ: How many dollar signs are in the word ‘perfection’? CHA- CHING! Talk about merchandising opportunities! Little speedo-wearing stuffed bears will be flying off shelves from Target to TJ Maxx!

Oh yeah! Quirky Amy with the white dish. That’s as much a thing as hunting ducks, or having too many kids, or building motorcycles! I hope she has a blind allegiance to some fringe politician or a catch phrase or something! That’ll keep ya in the news cycle.

Stop the presses! Should I call the police or call my wife over to watch Family Who Has Been Kidnapped By Dad Wants to Scream For Help But Were Told If They Did Anything Other Than Smile, if They Even So Much As BLINK During This Secret, Soundproof Safe Room, Photo Shoot They All Woke Up in the Middle of After Being Drugged That He Would Send Grandma Feet First Through a Wood Chipper While She’s Tied Up but Alive So Just Smile Real Fuckin’ Big for the Camera that’s starting in 5 minutes over on TLC?

A PREGNANT JOHN LARROQUETTE!!!!!! And other celebrities! See which celebrity gets to carry their baby to full term, and whose chances will end early this fall on Birthing With the Stars!!!

Gay dads! They’re just like us! I’m guessing this’ll stream on Amazon.

Fuck Off, Dad

June 21, 2019August 9, 2021 / The Nuclear Unit / Leave a comment

“I’m sorry, Dad. But I’m not participating in this shit again.”

I don’t want any part of your stupid fake roof photo idea, Dad. What the fuck are you guys so goddam happy about anyways? “Hey! This is what homeless people do!” That’s not funny, DAD! It NEVER rains in LA. Why would those poor people hold a fucking triangle over their head and smile like a couple of brainwashed Scientologists?

I’m too old for this shit. My brother would be out here. Out from under this stupid fucking cabin thing you’re trying to pull off. Out here in the… woods of our living room..? I guess?? I don’t get it!

No. I have to stop trying to make this make sense. I’m out from under whatever that is, and that’s it.

My brother would be out here, with me, if mom wasn’t holding him back. He could break through her palsied grip, but he’s weak, Dad. Weak in the mind. He gets that from you. He wants mom to love him so bad he’s selling me out and participating in this sham. As if people just sit around in their West Elm catalogue houses holding FAKE FUCKING ROOVES over their heads!!

This isn’t a thing! It’s not funny! Who the fuck plays the game Lets all pretend to be under a roof we’re holding up ourselves indoors?” I’m so beyond confused by this that I can’t even, for the life of me, start to guess what stereotype, or common experience you’re trying to replicate to even make this “joke” work beyond some superficial non-sequitor attempt at absurdity. But even absurdists have to reference some form of reality we all understand in order to highlight the flaws of the institution. What I mean is, the absurd has to have a basis in reality in order to work. Duh, Dad. This is– your oversized hat-of-garbage, or… something? That thing you think we all understand?

FUCK! I HATE THAT I’M RELATED TO YOU!!!!

I just guess I don’t get it Dad. Maybe we’ll never understand each other. And maybe that’s okay. All I know is, this? This fucking thing you got going on over your head that you think is so goddam cute and silly? It’s stupid, Dad. And I’ve never respected you less.

I Am Sick and Tired of Elon Musk Stealing All My Best Ideas

June 12, 2019August 9, 2021 / Drunk Dad / 1 Comment

“I’m not meant to be stuck in middle management.”

I WANTED TO GO TO SPACE AND TUNNEL UNDER L.A.

Everyday I sit in my cubicle as Regional Director of the Smith and Jensen Business Solutions Client Retention department – Central Division – and have to read headline after headline of some new thing Elon Musk is doing, that I had already thought of. Like when I went to Anaheim for the big logistics conference and I had to sit in traffic on Interstate 405 between LAX and its endless sprawl of suburbs I slammed my head into my steering wheel and screamed at my windshield “SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS TRAFFIC!” Lo and behold, the VERY NEXT YEAR, Elon Musk comes out with the Boring Co. and starts digging tunnels under California’s most populated metropolis like a goddam hamster.

And just to rub it in my face, he starts selling flame throwers. I LOVE FLAME THROWERS! Ever since I was a kid I was like “Man, flamethrowers are awesome. Nobody would fuck with me if I have a flamethrower. Jimmy wouldn’t throw rocks at me if I had a flamethrower. My dad would mow his own fucking lawn.” In fact, just yesterday I was thinking about how I’d love to take a flamethrower into my boss’ office and show him just how good my ideas are and why I don’t just need to sit and listen during the weekly status report meeting and that my ideas and opinions have value. I’m the one that said we should put a vending machine in the breakroom! Not Tom! But he got the promotion.

When I saw the movie Interstellar I thought to myself “If Matthew McConaughey can go to space, why not me?” I’m capable. I run shit. I’m the Regional Director for Client Retention at Smith and Jensen Business Solutions – Central Division. I should start a space company and go to space and show my wife that she’s not the only one with good ideas. That I have ideas too. I have an idea for a space company. The kind of space company that goes to outer space. Not just the moon. Fuck the moon. I wanna make a space ship that can travel at the speed of light and make important discoveries and become a billionaire because I have good ideas. So, maybe this time, I’d like to weigh in on which color fabric our couch should be. Instead of just showing up to this uncomfortable charcoal monstrosity she sits to watch the Bachelor on.

Tesla was obvious. I would’ve gone with a different name, but at least 8 years ago I thought it would be cool to have an electric sports car that was basically a computer where you could watch YouTube while the car drove you home from the bar by itself. That was MY idea. One day after work, after my boss really laid into me for saving a client that was costing us millions in PR after their CEO dropped an N-bomb on a cable news show, I was at the bar tossing back Old Fashions with my then-buddy Tom. I was telling him about how I wish I could just take out a flamethrower and burn it all down and then just jump in my spaceship and leave when I burped out “I’m pretty fucked up. I wish my car could drive me home.” And then, just like that, I read a headline about Tesla’s autopilot software allowing people to sleep off their hangovers on their way to work. And I don’t get credit for shit.

So, yeah. I’m pretty sick and tired of it. Because while he gets to go on podcasts and smoke pot and go to space and drive in tunnels, I have to show up everyday, to my job at Smith and Jensen Business Solutions as Regional Fucking Director of Client Retention – Central Division.

While We’re Upgrading Every Bathroom to “All Gender,” Think We Can Add Changing Tables to What Used to Be the Mens Room?

September 2, 2018September 2, 2018 / Drunk Dad / Leave a comment

Dear Dining Establishments of America –

I get it. You guys gotta cater to every group. That’s why every fast food establishment has wheel chair access for the crippled, double doors for the morbidly obese, and now many are including “all gender” bathrooms for men who wear makeup and go by Estrella. Cool beans. You gotta keep your target market happy to stay in business, I guess. Quick question: How many of these post-ops are ordering Happy Meals? Never mind. But while you’re changing the bathrooms anyways, think you can do us dads a solid and give us changing tables in what used to be the mens room?

In a modern society where a growing number of households have a working mother, sometimes the dad has to take these little shits out to feed them. And sometimes these little shits, have little shits. My current modus operandi is just to change my shit-covered daughter on the table right there in the dining area. But a man can only half-heartedly shrug to so many gagging Taco Bell patrons before he says “enough is enough” and writes an opinion piece.

It’s bad enough that I have to wait for this (and I’m going to be politically correct here) “dude” to change “his” tampon before I can take a leak. And it’s pretty insulting that I can see the changing table in what used to be the women’s bathrooms as the gentleman ahead of me saunters in to piss on the toilet seat. But I guess America thinks it’s more important to cater to the 3 million Caitlyns out there wanting to feel pretty while they’re taking a dump than the 11 million Bruces out there with kids in diapers.

Look. I don’t give a shit who uses what bathroom. I just want changing tables in them. They’re not just good for babies. They’re also a nice, clean place to set your purse when you’re re-tucking your nutsack into your panties. And since you’re doing a politically correct re-mod anyways, why not be more inclusive of cis-hetero-binary-breeder-types – or whatever the fuck we’re called this week.

While you’re trying to be inclusive of everybody by opening your urinals up to everyone in pants, shorts or a dress, you’re actually reinforcing gender norms by only having changing tables in one bathroom. I want the same bathroom options as our gender breaking breth- and sis- tren: To choose whatever line is the shortest to take a piss and change my kid.