ATLANTA, GA – The invisible hand of the free market has responded again! In lieu of any form of gun control by our elected officials, Osh-Kosh B’Gosh will roll out Kiddie Kevlar® beginning this fall. Just in time for back to school. “Our customers keep getting shot,” says Osh-Kosh’s parent company – Carters Inc. – CEO Michael D Casey. “And since it doesn’t look like guns are going anywhere, anytime soon, we thought we’d offer a safer alternative to traditional children’s clothing. The kind of outfit you can wear into, but more importantly walk out of, a Wal-Mart.”
After this week’s shootings have turned 5 (and counting) innocent people into lifeless, rotting, corpses, the adorably named Osh-Kosh B’Gosh has responded quicker than any politician to help keep our children safe. “As a company, we pride ourselves on looking out for our customers,” Casey says. “We already carry a wide range of clothes that are perfect for pint-sized funerals. Now, we want to do what we can to help prevent those funerals.”
“Dead kids don’t need back to school clothes,” he added.
LOS ANGELES, CA – After becoming the third movie ever to break the billion dollar threshold during its international theatrical run, the genie community across America is up in arms over the use of blue face in Disney’s Aladdin remake. “This kind of treatment is unethical, unfair and un-American,” says Saladin of Carpathia, 26, local chapter leader of Metaphysical-American Against Prejudice. “Genies are not here just to serve humans. And these stereotypes are hurtful.”
“They couldn’t have hired a proper genie as the lead this time around?” asks Jinn Jinn – a 6000 year old genie who came into being during the Akiyan reign in ancient Assyria, but now calls Santa Monica, California, his home. “There are a ton of genies out there more qualified than Will Smith,” he asserts. “He can rap and act and all that, but has he ever granted a wish? I know nobody wished for a follow up to Gettin’ Jiggy With It.”
Jinn Jinn says considering the abilities of the film’s stars to draw at the box office is just another sign of racism. “See? It just goes to show you how Hollywood really feels about beings of color. If you’re blue, you’re through. All they care about is the green. Genies gotta pay rent, too. You can only get 6-12 months out of a landlord by granting him wishes for jewels and power. They wanna get paid. And we gotta eat too.”
“We don’t all sing and dance and make carpets fly,” Saladin continues. “I can’t go in public without grown men asking me for harems full of virgins, in front of their own children. Or their kids harassing me for mountains of ice cream,” he says. “This film treats our kind like a joke. You don’t get to walk up, rub my lamp and start making demands just because I’m a genie.”
“I don’t even like when I hear people referring to us as genies. We are Metaphysical Americans,” says Jinn Jinn. “It’s okay if we call each other genies, but it’s not cool for others to just throw around that term,” he added.
“Somebody needs to do something about these fucking immigrants”
FRESNO, CA – Brian McAlister, 63, – and great grandson of some greasy, Irish, immigrant that came to the United States, uninvited, to leech off of our system – wants somebody to do something about all these fucking immigrants. “When my grandpa came over here from Ireland, it was different,” McAlister tells himself. When in reality, no country wants an illiterate drunk with too many kids to come take advantage of our social safety net while they beg for low skilled labor positions. Especially if they’re as disgusting as the Irish.
McAlister continues, “There’s just these people that come from these backwards countries, mired in corruption, with rampant disease and starvation and lack of first world resources,” he says, probably about his useless Irish Great Grandpa, who came from that shithole of a country, Ireland, and brought his shifty, questionable, Catholicism with him.
“All these people want to do is come here and steal jobs,” he reminds us, we assume, about his Great Grandpa who settled into a disgusting shanty in the greater Little Rock, Arkansas area during reconstruction when we had MILLIONS of American-born, newly-minted citizens looking for honest work and didn’t really have the bandwidth to absorb a bunch of people too dumb to know potatoes will literally grow in shit.
McAlister’s inbred drunk of a grandpa came with a bunch of other dumb Irish drunks and drove labor prices down almost below slave wages so people had to live like animals. “And nobody’s gonna be able to get a decent wage without a high school diploma any more,” he sharted out of his ugly, fucking, Irish face that wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for his dumb, fucking, alien Great Grandpa.
“They come here, they bring their families, they live in their own neighborhoods and don’t try to learn the language,” he says, as if in a country of 350 million people that spans two oceans, we really all need to be speaking the language of this hemisphere’s 4th largest colonizer.
“Someone needs to do something, or next thing you know we’ll all speaking Mexican,” the grandson of immigrants continues, as if this stupid child of illegal aliens should even have the right to speak in this country without showing me some identification to prove he isn’t some whisky-pounding, folk-dancing, brogue-slurring, half-human, ginger, piece of shit.
NORWALK, CA – As the queue begins to overtake the seasonal aisle, people grow impatient waiting to buy their laxatives and ointments. “The pharmacist said someone should be up any minute,”says Jennifer, 31, taking her place back in line.
In an effort to keep prices competitive, CVS has instituted an employment policy of one cashier per every three retail locations. “It’s how we’re able to stay competitive in the market. Our overhead is just too high,” says regional manager Alex Reyes. “Half of our gross profits go right back into purchasing receipt paper,” he continues, referencing the 9 mile ribbon of coupons customers receive with every transaction. “After that, we’re pretty limited on how many people we can hire. Luckily, there’s a CVS location on every other block. Once our associate clears the queue at store number 317, he or she can shoot around the block to store number 323 and start chipping away at the line over there. And then the next store. And then- you get it. If there weren’t so many wonderful CVS locations for you to choose from, we might have to start closing stores.”
“It’s not that bad,” says Damon McDougal, the only CVS cashier for six miles. “The stores are pretty close. They pay for my gas. And it’s cool because, like, they don’t drug test here either.”
“We, unfortunately, do not have the flexibility to pay for our associates gas at the moment. But it’s a program we are looking into,” Reyes makes clear.
“Oh. They pay, for my gas,” corrects Damon, with a smile, as he pats his front pocket.
So far the the public has had mixed responses. Hector Avila, 41 of Santa Fe Springs says, “Do you work here?”
Norma Morales, 67, asks “Hello? Can I get some help?” She is here hoping to have some photos developed in time for a funeral and having a hard time getting the attention of a CVS cashier.
OCEANSIDE, CA – Trying to keep kids from cussing has been an empty tradition since the strange day certain words began carrying moral value. It’s a bit of a coming of age thing for every parent to show how polite and well mannered they themselves are, via their child proxy. “We don’t talk like that,” is a common utterance from most any parent – but not the Dixons. “It’s the only thing he says that we can understand,” says Perla Dixon, 32, mother of Jeffrey, 4, the little f-bomb droppin’ madman. “He should have like 30 words by now. He’s got one word he uses 30 different ways. He’s like the late Bernie Mac with one word,” Ryan Dixon, Jeffrey’s dad says. “But everything else is like,” he pauses to let out a deep, pained sigh. “It’s making me nervous how little we can understand besides the one word.”
“Fuck asldkfjas’oeifhnam fuck fuck sdflknvwow a fuckfuckfuck” little Jeffrey lets loose from the play area. Ryan responds, with his core response. “There you go, buddy. Doing good.” He shrugs, cartoonishly.
“Fuck!” Perla laughs to herself. Because, really, what else can you do? Parents can tell people all day long that they don’t talk like that at home and “he didn’t learn that from me!” But we all know they certainly didn’t learn it from Bert or Ernie.
“Duck, muck, huck, shuck,” Ryan starts rattling on. “If he could pronounce any of these in a way that we could understand, then maybe we’d have something to work with when it comes to other words, you know? I just–” he trails off.
“He’s saying ‘shit’ now,” Perla reminds Ryan; who throws his hands in the air. “Of course! Maybe he’s learning it from his Speech Therapist! Might as well be! Fuck! I mean, every other language you learn, you learn the curse words first,” he says, trying to convince himself. “Right?”
The Dixons are going to take a wait and see approach to Jeffrey’s f-bombs. “We really don’t have to worry too much until he starts public school,” Perla says. “I’m also watching a lot of YouTube videos on Sign Language and working on that with him on that as a second option.”
“Jesus, Ryan,” Perla says.
“What? Just as an option. I don’t expect him to learn to communicate like Barack Obama or anything. But he should have the ability to communicate with some group of people, right?”
“Enough.”
The Dixons will continue on in their fight to keep their kid from cussing, but only so much. “They start cussing when they’re 10 anyways so what is it we are trying to prevent, huh?” Ryan asks, letting us know the matter is settled in his mind.
GLENDALE, CA – In an effort to maintain the dining standards they wish they were known for, Applebees has introduced a pilot program in select markets where a gimp mask will be handed out with every kids menu. “We love all our customers. Even the families with uncontrollable monsters for children,” says company President John Cywinski. “When people come to Applebees to take advantage of our 2 for $20 dinner special, they want to enjoy their flash-processed, genetically modified, ‘food’ without some kid screaming about Blippi on his mother’s cell phone.”
Cywinski maintains that they are still a family restaurant chain. “We love the murmurs of little children,” he says. “That’s why we’re testing the new policy. To try and keep the noise level to a murmur.”
The company President confirms that if the program is successful, they will roll it out nationwide. “When people order their 2 for $20 dinner specials – which comes with an appetizer, 2 entrees and a dessert to share – we want our servers to be able to hear those orders. And all the petty substitutions that come with it,” he says. “We don’t want our servers to have to compete with some screaming kid who probably should’ve gone down for a nap 2 hours ago.”
So far, there have been no arguments from the parents about the new program. “Oh thank god,” says Mark Jessup from Simi Valley California. “After 3 hours of Octonauts blaring in the background, all I want is to sit and cleanse my brain’s palette with the calm din of an underpriced chain restaurant. Thank, you Applebees. Thank you.”
SANTA BARBARA, CA – Jesse and Dianne met on a blind date 27 years ago and were married within six months. “It’s rare for a young couple, especially in California, to get married so quickly and so young,” says Dianne, 52. “The way he spoke of his future plans so passionately, his sandy blonde hair, his rolling stops with almost no regard for cross-traffic every, single, time we come to an intersection. Every SINGLE time–” she trails off and exchanges a loving smile with Jesse, “I knew the first night I wanted him as mine forever.”
“Nobody tailgates like Dianne,” Jesse says. “How she’s only ever been in one accident is a testament to the existence of luck or God or some kind of intervening force. Every time Dianne takes the wheel it’s a thrill ride with a fifty-fifty shot of survival.” Jesse kisses his wife. “And I’m the lucky man who gets to nag her about never checking her blind spot.”
“Whether he’s staring at his phone in his lap, flipping through podcasts, or rubbernecking to check out a woman at the bus stop, Jesse might be the most distracted driver on the planet. I can’t drive more than 6 blocks with him without my adrenal glands dumping their supply and freezing my voice box with fear,” says Dianne. “I can’t imagine driving cross-country, needling any other grown man about turn signals.”
The couple are planning a road trip up to Portland next month. “I just hope my quick-braking when a deer darts across the road, or a sudden stop in traffic while she’s napping, will spark a screaming match that will uncover some buried resentment she’s been bottling up so we can spend the first day there not talking to each other,” Jesse says. “It wouldn’t be vacation without a second day apology.”
“I love our apologies,” Dianne says.
Tonight the couple will celebrate their anniversary with a nice dinner at BJs Brewery that will culminate in an argument over whether or not three beers at dinner is too many drinks for Jesse to drive home.
GLENDALE, AZ – “Look at this,” says Martin Landers, 39, of his 5 year old daughter’s hair. “I did that,” he continues, with pride. “I was going for a Monday morning-type hair look – effortless, but a bit lived-in. Like her social schedule is too full to be up early enough on a Monday for perfect hair. But it’s the fake effortlessness itself that really makes the braid more of a statement piece than just a hairdo,” he said, twice, after I asked him to repeat himself. “A five year old’s life is all slide steps and hula hoops and I think she should have hair to reflect that. Too done up is nice for a ballet recital, but for Summer Camp on a Tuesday? Messy Dutch braid all the way. Know what I’m sayin’?”
With his wife away on a business trip, Martin Landers has joined a growing number of straight men who are developing hairstylist skills while their wives are at work. “I started with a simple 3-strand braid, but those are pretty basic. I needed to up my game so my daughter wasn’t at gymnastics looking like she sleeps behind a dumpster. Before long I was on YouTube with a Cabbage Patch doll in my lap working on my French Braids, Fishtails, Reverse Braids. You know the deal. This morning was the first time I even tried a Dutch Braid and I straight made that braid my bitch.”
Martin seems like a hair-braiding natural but, he says, “I grew up with brothers so we didn’t do much hair braiding. We spent less time grooming each other and more time trying to get Brendon to eat his scabs. But my wife is out the door right after she wakes the kids up and it’s up to me to make sure they don’t look like neglected little Appalachian-trash babies.”
“I love it,” says 5 year old Alyssa. “My dad can kick any braid’s ass. Right daddy?” Martin smiles and nods.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – GRACO is excited to announce the Happy Booster – a convertible car seat that comes pre-filled with crunchy Happy Meal french fries. “Our focus group studies have shown kids enjoy riding on a pin cushion of petrified french fries, ” says Graco Baby parent-company Newell Brands CEO Michael B Polk. “We listen to our riders. And we listen to what our riders need. We’re the first car seat brand that’s putting the comfort, and safety, of the passenger over the taste of some industrial designer or even the opinion of the child’s own parents. We put children first at GRACO. And children want to ride on crunchy french fries. And I’m not about to tell those children–,” he takes a breath before really tearing up and continuing.
“Humanity’s hope, that they can’t ride comfortably on a bed of stale, petrified, deep-fried potato sticks. I will not be the bad guy here.”
This has obviously been a passion project of his for awhile.
“I don’t know how those chumps over at Britax handle things. They’re probably too busy lining the pockets of Planned Parenthood or some shit to worry about the comfort of our most beloved generation.” He then leaned over the desk to spit directly into my iPhone’s microphone as if spitting on a person from Britax. “We care, goddammit. Any more stupid questions?” he said, apparently ending the interview. Which is fine. It stopped being funny in the first paragraph and I was pretty scared by the way he wouldn’t blink.
LA HABRA, CA – Any given Saturday, Costco can feel like a circus with bodies pushing over each other, racing to fill their shopping carts with oversized, under-priced consumer staples. Like a 5 gallon jug of mayonnaise for the same price per ounce as you’d pay for a 9 gallon jug anywhere else. Anywhere else that sells mayonnaise by the gallon, that is.
This Summer, select Costcos will become a circus. Starting today, Costco Customer Appreciation Summer Circus events will be popping up to show customers just how much Costco appreciates being the place people choose to shop for sacks of dry red beans, 100lbs at a time. “We’re up against Amazon who’s just offering more,” says Costco CEO W. Craig Jelenik as we tour one of the 10 Orange County Costcos test-running the Costco Circus program. “When people want 96 rolls of toilet paper, they know they have options. If they go to Amazon, they can buy toilet paper and watch a movie.” He ducks to allow a trapeze artist some space to work. “If they come to Costco for their toilet paper, they can watch a bear riding a unicycle. In real life!” And just like that, a bear rides by us on a unicycle. “See what I mean? Doesn’t that make you wanna grab a single package of 14 tubes of toothpaste or an HVAC system for your house or maybe both? You know you can buy both of those things here, right? In case you’re ever in the need for toothpaste, and a complete central air system overhaul, at the same time. We offer both of those products here, under the same roof, for some reason. Just bags of pre-mixed salads, adult diapers by the pallet, and garage shelving. All under one roof – where you can also get your eyes examined. So why not throw in a circus?”
And with that explanation, any why questions get replaced with how questions and we just move on. “Other than the, um, issue during yesterday’s dry run,” he said, referring to the lion attack on the elderly woman handing out microwaveable pot-sticker samples, “we’ve been having a great time.”
So come on down to select Costcos on Saturdays this summer. You can get a 48 count box of Squirt soda, have your tires rotated and watch a clown on 20 foot stilts navigate his way through the random stacks of books all under one roof. “We’ll always find unique and interesting ways to shove more shit and people into our stores,” Mr. Jelenik says with a smile.
The Nuclear Unit 