Brazilian Dad Teaches Son How to Kick a Baseball

Baseball like Ronaldinho

LONG ISLAND, NY – After a recent relocation from Manaus, Brazil to the Big Apple, advertising executive Joao Silva, 39, is eager to help his eight year old son fit in as the new kid in a new country. “Americans love baseball. I want my son to be part of the group at the parks and at school. So, like many American dads, we spend some time after my day at work, in the backyard, just kicking around a baseball,” he says. “I feel silly wearing the glove, but it’s important to blend in when you’re trying to make new friends.”

In Brazil – known more for its love of soccer and jiu-jitsu – the American pastime is gaining enough popularity for its growing population of 207 million to know the sport exists. “I’m still learning the rules,” Silva admits. “Like when the – how you say – umpire blows the whistle for a foul, is that a free pitch or a touchdown? Either way, Victor is learning how to dive to get the umpire’s attention.”

His son, Paulo, is fitting in well. He leads his little league team in goals by a wide margin.

Sweat-Drenched Kids Excited to Learn Whole Neighborhood Will Cool Down if Front Door Left Open

LANCASTER, CA – After a grueling summer spent mostly indoors playing video games in the high desert city about an hour’s drive from Los Angeles, CA, Alex and Jasper Cunningham, 14 and 11 respectively, are finally outside playing soccer with the neighborhood kids after learning a way to cool off. “I went out to grab the mail yesterday and Dad told me to shut the door or we’d cool the whole neighborhood down,” Alex says. “I thought, ‘what a great idea!'”

“It’s nice to finally be outside in the sun, running around, playing, instead of inside building a fort or watching Price is Right for the 50th time,” Jasper weighed in. “It’s what kids are supposed to be doing – we are reminded almost every day.”

The Cunningham kids messaged their new revelation to the other neighborhood boys and in a joint effort to cool down the block, they say all the kids have joined in. Alex says, “Kade from around the block has his doors open. Jake M turned his AC all the way up and opened every bedroom window in the house. Jake K knows how to turn his parents car on, so he’s got the air blasting with the windows down and the radio on. The Lachey brothers got theirs going. Kids from other blocks are coming over to hang out and play soccer. It feels like mid fall. A little chilly even. It’s great for running around.”

With most of the neighborhood’s parents at work during the day and the kids left to entertain themselves, the Cunningham kids say this could lead to year-round outdoor playtime. “I wanna give this a try again during winter break. My teacher said hot air rises, but I bet if we really crank up the heaters in the neighborhood, we can get it warm enough for a game of shirts versus skins football going in December.”

Sweat-Drenched Kids Excited To Learn Entire Block Cools if Door Left Open

sweaty kid summer time cools down

LANCASTER, CA – After a grueling summer spent mostly indoors playing video games in the high desert city about an hour’s drive from Los Angeles, CA, Alex and Jasper Cunningham, 14 and 11 respectively, are finally outside playing soccer with the neighborhood kids after learning a way to cool off. “I went out to grab the mail yesterday and Dad told me to shut the door or we’d cool the whole neighborhood down,” Alex says. “I thought, ‘what a great idea!'”

“It’s nice to finally be outside in the sun, running around, playing, instead of inside building a fort or watching Price is Right for the 50th time,” Jasper weighed in. “It’s what kids are supposed to be doing – we are reminded almost every day.”

The Cunningham kids messaged their new revelation to the other neighborhood boys and in a joint effort to cool down the block, they say all the kids have joined in. Alex says, “Kade from around the block has his doors open. Jake M turned his AC all the way up and opened every bedroom window in the house. Jake K knows how to turn his parents car on, so he’s got the air blasting with the windows down and the radio on. The Lachey brothers got theirs going. Kids from other blocks are coming over to hang out and play soccer. It feels like mid fall. A little chilly even. It’s great for running around.”

With most of the neighborhood’s parents at work during the day and the kids left to entertain themselves, the Cunningham kids say this could lead to year-round outdoor playtime. “I wanna give this a try again during winter break. My teacher said hot air rises, but I bet if we really crank up the heaters in the neighborhood, we can get it warm enough for a game of shirts versus skins football going in December.”

Cleveland Dad Excited To Watch New and Improved Browns Sh*t the Bed Again This Year

CLEVELAND, OH – After going 1-31 in their last two regular seasons, the Cleveland Browns have made off-season moves that, on paper, make them look like real contenders, but in reality haven’t changed the fact that they still remain the Cleveland Browns. And Cleveland dad, Bryan Speck, 37, couldn’t be more excited. “We got the number one pick in the draft and picked our fourth franchise quarterback in just 5 years, Baker Mayfield! I can’t wait to see if he’s as big a let down as DeShone Kizer, or if he’s more of a Johnny Manziel.”

Combine the number one overall draft pick with the addition of Pro-Bowler Tyrod Taylor just months before, in lieu of a marked improvement to their offensive line, and Speck says says with confidence, “It seems like our front office, thankfully, still have their heads up their asses. I can’t wait to see how we manage to shit the bed again this season.” He continued, “Both QB’s have looked great in the preseason. It’s hard for me to pick which one is gonna lead the league in turnovers this year. Dog pound!”

The Browns signed former Miami Dolphin wide receiver Jarvis Landry from the free agent market to a five year $75 million contract in hopes of bolstering their struggling receiver corps. “He is arguably the best slot receiver in the game. Line him up with Flash Gordon and potential deep threat Corey Coleman and that would’ve been an unstoppable trio of targets – if we hadn’t traded Coleman away during the preseason. We’re off to a Browns start!”

Speck is excited for the return of Josh “Flash” Gordon. “He was a stud in 2013. Remember 2013? Please tell me you remember 2013. It’s highly unlikely he’ll be suspended from the league a fourth time. Guys in their 20’s usually learn their lesson after two or three drug-related suspensions, so we’ll get to watch him be overthrown all season. Hopefully. Hey! Remember 2013?”

With five playoff-caliber players added in the first three rounds of this years draft and plenty of cap space to make last minute moves for an offensive tackle with off-field issues, or to pick up an injury prone tight end, the Browns fans have high hopes for the 2018 season. Hopes that will inevitably turn into disappointment after their upcoming 0-6 start. “We’ve got all the weapons we need to win our division. Luckily we’ve got Hue out there to misuse their talents on every down. I can’t wait to see power back Carlos Hyde split out as a receiver, or how many times we’ll punt on first down. We can always count on Hue to fuck it up.” Referring to Hue Jackson, the Browns head coach, who managed to perform the near-impossible act of taking a group of 53 of some of the world’s top athletes and lead them to an almost perfect string of losses over the past two years – with just one win.

“Our front office understands the fans. They know if we don’t give up on Cleveland the city, we won’t give up on Cleveland the team. We’ll keep buying tickets no matter how fucked our team is. Cleveland strong!”

Cleveland Dad Excited To Watch New and Improved Browns Blow It Again This Year

cleveland browns baker mayfield

CLEVELAND, OH – After going 1-31 in their last two regular seasons, the Cleveland Browns have made off-season moves that, on paper, make them look like real contenders, but in reality haven’t changed the fact that they still remain the Cleveland Browns. And Cleveland dad, Bryan Speck, 37, couldn’t be more excited. “We got the number one pick in the draft and picked our fourth franchise quarterback in just 5 years, Baker Mayfield! I can’t wait to see if he’s as big a let down as DeShone Kizer, or if he’s more of a Johnny Manziel.”

Combine the number one overall draft pick with the addition of Pro-Bowler Tyrod Taylor just months before, in lieu of a marked improvement to their offensive line, and Speck says says with confidence, “It seems like our front office, thankfully, still have their heads up their asses. I can’t wait to see how we manage to shit the bed again this season.” He continued, “Both QB’s have looked great in the preseason. It’s hard for me to pick which one is gonna lead the league in turnovers this year. Dog pound!”

The Browns signed former Miami Dolphin wide receiver Jarvis Landry from the free agent market to a five year $75 million contract in hopes of bolstering their struggling receiver corps. “He is arguably the best slot receiver in the game. Line him up with Flash Gordon and potential deep threat Corey Coleman and that would’ve been an unstoppable trio of targets – if we hadn’t traded Coleman away during the preseason. We’re off to a Browns start!”

Speck is excited for the return of Josh “Flash” Gordon. “He was a stud in 2013. Remember 2013? Please tell me you remember 2013. It’s highly unlikely he’ll be suspended from the league a fourth time. Guys in their 20’s usually learn their lesson after two or three drug-related suspensions, so we’ll get to watch him be overthrown all season. Hopefully. Hey! Remember 2013?”

With five playoff-caliber players added in the first three rounds of this years draft and plenty of cap space to make last minute moves for an offensive tackle with off-field issues, or to pick up an injury prone tight end, the Browns fans have high hopes for the 2018 season. Hopes that will inevitably turn into disappointment after their upcoming 0-6 start. “We’ve got all the weapons we need to win our division. Luckily we’ve got Hue out there to misuse their talents on every down. I can’t wait to see power back Carlos Hyde split out as a receiver, or how many times we’ll punt on first down. We can always count on Hue to fuck it up.” Referring to Hue Jackson, the Browns head coach, who managed to perform the near-impossible act of taking a group of 53 of some of the world’s top athletes and lead them to an almost perfect string of losses over the past two years – with just one win.

“Our front office understands the fans. They know if we don’t give up on Cleveland the city, we won’t give up on Cleveland the team. We’ll keep buying tickets no matter how fucked our team is. Cleveland strong!”

Holy F*ck, When Did Monkey Bars Get So Hard?

I don’t know who decided to – or how they even did – increase the difficulty level of monkey bars, but holy fuck are those things hard. I got four bars into showing my 4 year old how much “fun” they are before I collapsed to the ground, clutching at my (probably) torn lat muscle.

Monkey bars are hard enough to find these days with all these pussyfart playgrounds making a play at safety. I already have to go to the bad part of town to find a rusted over set. And even those have been retrofitted somehow to operate at maximum difficulty. We can’t get kids the school supplies we need, but we have enough tax dollars update the monkey bars at “Gang Hangout Park?”

I’m just trying to play with my kids. I don’t need to be injured if some cracked-out street urchin decides my wallet is keeping his money warm. They need to make them like they did when I was a kid. Easy. Low impact. Unpainted metal. Cold in the winter. Blistering in the summer. But still, easy enough that you get bored before you get tired. Make those kinds of monkey bars again.

I never thought I’d say this but, hats off to those ISIS guys crushing their playground training. We all laughed at the leaked terrorist training videos. Haha. Their soldiers play recess. But none of us went to the park to give it a spin. None of us.

I get that I’m getting older. I’m probably not gonna do a four minute mile any time soon. But I don’t need to be shamed by “Big Monkey Bar” when it comes to playing with my kids. They didn’t have to change the design to make them all hard. These new play grounds are all designed for like The Rock or some shit. No wonder all the kids are fat. Probably so “Big Pharma” can pump them full of diabetes pills. Those “Bigs” are all in cahoots. I’ll have Alex Jones look into it.

I want my kids to have the same monkey bar fun I had. Gliding over the ground, skipping bars, leg wrestling, doing swinging backflips into the sand, pushing the nerds off. Fun stuff. Not training for American Ninja Warrior.

Speaking of sand. Where the fuck is the sand? Who decided woods chips and shredded up tires are better for the kids? I never ate sand as a kid, but I can’t turn my back for 30 seconds to crack open a cold one without my little one shoving half those “safer” recycled tire bits in his mouth. That little shit – I love him to death, but – it’s like anything but the $25 Sophie giraffe chew toy is what he wants to grind on. I don’t think we need to worry about a college savings account for that one. We probably just need a bail fund.

These new, impossibly hard, monkey bars have gotta go back to what they were when I was a kid so I can show my kids what a badass I am on a set of bars. Frankly, I don’t know why they ever changed them AND, I don’t know how my 6 year just flies across them like nothing! She’s a beast!