Dad! First off, what are scorpions made out of? Second, why is the bathroom door closed? What are you guys doing in here? Are you sneaking ice cream again? Teacher says sharing is caring. Oh! You’re trying to wash Mom’s back you say? Well, you’ve got it all wrong, Dad.
Ok! Ok! I’ll leave in just a second! Use your inside voice, please. I just wanna make sure you get this right. I don’t want Mom to have a dirty back.
First off, you’re not even holding the soap. You’re holding Mom’s hips. If you want Mom to have a clean back, you need to actually touch her back – with soap. Her hips are as clean as they’re getting, Dad. Now step back from mom and come turn on the next episode of Spongebob for me. It’s at that part with all the names on the TV and that’s the boring part for adults. So come change it for me. What do you mean you aren’t going to back away from Mom right now?
And, Mom, you’re part of this equation too. Do you even want a clean back? I mean, you’re bent over with your leg up on the soap dish. Are you trying to get away from Dad? It seems like he has a pretty firm grip on your hips. I don’t think you’re going anywhere. And I don’t think you realize how unsafe this looks. You’re always telling me to sit down in the tub, but here you are, standing on one foot, wrestling with Dad, with the shower on. That’s definitely not safe. I’m gonna need a little consistency out of you if you want me to follow the rules.
I gotta poop. Don’t mind me.
Ok. Let’s get this sorted so I can get back in there. I hear the next episode starting. Dad, if you wanna wash Mom’s back, focus on her back. That’s what you tell me: focus. I don’t know what game you guys were playing in here but she didn’t seem like she was enjoying it. She kept making all these noises like you were hurting her. Make sure she wants to play the same game as you, Dad. That’s what you tell me when I’m punching Melissa. Let’s make sure Mom is enjoying the game. Mom? Are you ok? You are? Hey, can I have chocolate milk at snack today?
Stop closing the shower curtain! I gotta tell you something! This is important.
Dad, yesterday I almost had a splinter. But it fell off. It was right here. Dad, look. It was right here. Almost a splinter. Fine! I’ll close the shower curtain. Mom, I’m all done, can you wipe me?
GLENDALE, CA – In an effort to maintain the dining standards they wish they were known for, Applebees has introduced a pilot program in select markets where a gimp mask will be handed out with every kids menu. “We love all our customers. Even the families with uncontrollable monsters for children,” says company President John Cywinski. “When people come to Applebees to take advantage of our 2 for $20 dinner special, they want to enjoy their flash-processed, genetically modified, ‘food’ without some kid screaming about Blippi on his mother’s cell phone.”
Cywinski maintains that they are still a family restaurant chain. “We love the murmurs of little children,” he says. “That’s why we’re testing the new policy. To try and keep the noise level to a murmur.”
The company President confirms that if the program is successful, they will roll it out nationwide. “When people order their 2 for $20 dinner specials – which comes with an appetizer, 2 entrees and a dessert to share – we want our servers to be able to hear those orders. And all the petty substitutions that come with it,” he says. “We don’t want our servers to have to compete with some screaming kid who probably should’ve gone down for a nap 2 hours ago.”
So far, there have been no arguments from the parents about the new program. “Oh thank god,” says Mark Jessup from Simi Valley California. “After 3 hours of Octonauts blaring in the background, all I want is to sit and cleanse my brain’s palette with the calm din of an underpriced chain restaurant. Thank, you Applebees. Thank you.”
SANTA BARBARA, CA – Jesse and Dianne met on a blind date 27 years ago and were married within six months. “It’s rare for a young couple, especially in California, to get married so quickly and so young,” says Dianne, 52. “The way he spoke of his future plans so passionately, his sandy blonde hair, his rolling stops with almost no regard for cross-traffic every, single, time we come to an intersection. Every SINGLE time–” she trails off and exchanges a loving smile with Jesse, “I knew the first night I wanted him as mine forever.”
“Nobody tailgates like Dianne,” Jesse says. “How she’s only ever been in one accident is a testament to the existence of luck or God or some kind of intervening force. Every time Dianne takes the wheel it’s a thrill ride with a fifty-fifty shot of survival.” Jesse kisses his wife. “And I’m the lucky man who gets to nag her about never checking her blind spot.”
“Whether he’s staring at his phone in his lap, flipping through podcasts, or rubbernecking to check out a woman at the bus stop, Jesse might be the most distracted driver on the planet. I can’t drive more than 6 blocks with him without my adrenal glands dumping their supply and freezing my voice box with fear,” says Dianne. “I can’t imagine driving cross-country, needling any other grown man about turn signals.”
The couple are planning a road trip up to Portland next month. “I just hope my quick-braking when a deer darts across the road, or a sudden stop in traffic while she’s napping, will spark a screaming match that will uncover some buried resentment she’s been bottling up so we can spend the first day there not talking to each other,” Jesse says. “It wouldn’t be vacation without a second day apology.”
“I love our apologies,” Dianne says.
Tonight the couple will celebrate their anniversary with a nice dinner at BJs Brewery that will culminate in an argument over whether or not three beers at dinner is too many drinks for Jesse to drive home.
Bernie Sanders wants your kids to go to college for free. Here are some reasons why.
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Jeeeeeezzzzz– I remember 4 years ago when I was only 4, and I couldn’t even do the monkey bars yet, and Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were talking about abortion and I was like “This seems like a non-issue.” But, lo and behold! Here we are again, four years later, still talking about abortion. Come on! I thought we settled this!
Are abortions happening at the kind of scale that would justify the level to which we talk about abortion? I don’t know. I’m only 8. I don’t get looped into the abortion talk all that much. But it feels like I hear about it in passing a LOT. I mean, if you turn on the Democratic debates it kinda feels like we live in a half Spanish-speaking country of transgender people who all need abortions. Are these the pressing needs of society? Is this why that Hillary lady lost to the funny orange man? Because there aren’t enough abortions or places for transfolk to go potty?
My thoughts on abortion vary from day to day. One day I might think Didn’t Obamacare make abortion obsolete when it made birth control free?Shouldn’t we be arguing a little more about personal responsibility and protecting your body yourself? Isn’t getting pregnant these days just as much of a choice as terminating said pregnancy?
Then the next day I’m like Why does the Christian religion think they own the monopoly on morality? Why would anybody want to have a baby in Alabama while they’re ranked 50th in education, ? Why are there people preventing abortions for poor people when those very same poor people just grow up to fill our already overcrowded, expensive prisons – costing us way more than the $500 abortion? And, if it’s just about no more dead babies, who kills more babies than God?There are way more miscarriages than abortions. God is killing babies all the time whether the mother wants it to happen or not. Maybe we should outlaw God?
So I’m kinda all over the place. It’s like when you ask what milkshake I want. Chocolate! Obviously. Unless they have Strawberry. Oh no! Eenie-meenie-minie…. You get it.
I understand there are cases with extenuating circumstances. Duh. I’m not a 3 year old like my dumb brother. Some women need to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason they feel is important – the life of the mother, the health of the mother, the health of the social life of the mother. All solid enough reasons, if you ask me.
Although I don’t know why you would ask me. This hypothetical pregnancy has nothing to do with me. Abortion has been legal since the 1960s. States have the right to choose how they legislate those rights. Women have the right to move and travel freely between the states to get their abortion, their way, like Burger King. Not everybody can afford that, but not everybody can afford a BMW. Sometimes people will have to deal with bad hands in life and there’s nothing any politician can or should do and that’s just life. I know I’m only in third grade, but stop me when I’m wrong.
It just seems like there are too many ways for women to terminate their pregnancies if that’s what they want that maybe we can move on to talking about what water will be drinkable for me when I’m an adult. Or how to do math as well as the kids in India who are years younger than me. Or whether I should learn Russian or Mandarin if I want to compete in a world where the greatest State Power on the planet spends half its time arguing over whether incest-created life is still life or which week a fetus is viable – neither of which matters to me seeing as how my dad does not sleep with me and birth control is free and readily available to me. What I do know is, I’m watching Octonauts, you guys let me know when you have it sorted out so I never have to hear about it again.
Also, is having a kid that bad? Do we really have to talk about pregnancy as if it’s this life-ruining event? People have been doing it forever. Rich people have kids. Poor people have kids. Some of those kids are easy. Some of those kids are hard. Even the rich parents have hard, expensive kids sometimes. There’s never a perfect time for anything. And yet, the world continues to turn. The species carries on. Maybe we can stop treating pregnancy like cancer? People figure things out. Abortion, adoption, leave it at the fire station, whatever. Ten adults on TV all yelling over each other on how much more pro-choice they are than the other pro-choice person standing next to them seems like a waste of time, though? Maybe? Again, I’m young so maybe there’s something I just don’t see.
I mean, maybe if we lived in a country where kids weren’t murdered at their school desks, less moms would want to kill their babies, but it doesn’t look like THAT problem’s getting solved anytime soon. It’s like my dad who keeps saying he’s going to clean the garage! Haha. Why does my mom even bother to bring it up anymore?
Oh! There’s a new Octonauts episode starting. So I’m gonna stop talking about abortion now. Hopefully, forever.
Everybody’s family is special. But none so special as yours! Somebody should make a show about you guys and how unique you all are! Check out some of these unique families below and share with someone you’re reminded of!!
Your dad is hysterical, when nobody’s around! Stick him in a house full of strange production crew members holding cameras and he’s sure to finally turn that magic on in front of company for once! And grandma can be a hoot, sometimes, we’ve all heard. A thousand times. Watch out Kardashians, there’s a new family dynasty in town!
Your family is definitely pretty enough for a reality show! With your blended, mixed-race marriage and ethnically ambiguous, beautiful stepkids, you’re an advertiser’s dream! As long as dad’s hairline doesn’t go and mom’s underarms stay firm, you’re a shoe-in for 4-7 seasons! Especially if your exes are crazy racist! I smell spinoff potential!
When your soon-to-be famous faces are plastered on billboards and buses across America, you’re sure to turn heads with, whatever you call this arrangement. Are the men lovers? Are they brothers? Are they both? Who’s baby is it really? Holy shit! I just realized someone isn’t wearing their birth gender! Who is it? I guess you’ll have to tune in Thursdays this fall on some deep cable station!
Your family definitely needs a show! You had me at speedos, but then you have a bear?? SPELLING QUIZ: How many dollar signs are in the word ‘perfection’? CHA- CHING! Talk about merchandising opportunities! Little speedo-wearing stuffed bears will be flying off shelves from Target to TJ Maxx!
Oh yeah! Quirky Amy with the white dish. That’s as much a thing as hunting ducks, or having too many kids, or building motorcycles! I hope she has a blind allegiance to some fringe politician or a catch phrase or something! That’ll keep ya in the news cycle.
Stop the presses! Should I call the police or call my wife over to watch Family Who Has Been Kidnapped By Dad Wants to Scream For Help But Were Told If They Did Anything Other Than Smile, if They Even So Much As BLINK During This Secret, Soundproof Safe Room, Photo Shoot They All Woke Up in the Middle of After Being Drugged That He Would Send Grandma Feet First Through a Wood Chipper While She’s Tied Up but Alive So Just Smile Real Fuckin’ Big for the Camera that’s starting in 5 minutes over on TLC?
A PREGNANT JOHN LARROQUETTE!!!!!! And other celebrities! See which celebrity gets to carry their baby to full term, and whose chances will end early this fall on Birthing With the Stars!!!
Gay dads! They’re just like us! I’m guessing this’ll stream on Amazon.
GLENDALE, AZ – “Look at this,” says Martin Landers, 39, of his 5 year old daughter’s hair. “I did that,” he continues, with pride. “I was going for a Monday morning-type hair look – effortless, but a bit lived-in. Like her social schedule is too full to be up early enough on a Monday for perfect hair. But it’s the fake effortlessness itself that really makes the braid more of a statement piece than just a hairdo,” he said, twice, after I asked him to repeat himself. “A five year old’s life is all slide steps and hula hoops and I think she should have hair to reflect that. Too done up is nice for a ballet recital, but for Summer Camp on a Tuesday? Messy Dutch braid all the way. Know what I’m sayin’?”
With his wife away on a business trip, Martin Landers has joined a growing number of straight men who are developing hairstylist skills while their wives are at work. “I started with a simple 3-strand braid, but those are pretty basic. I needed to up my game so my daughter wasn’t at gymnastics looking like she sleeps behind a dumpster. Before long I was on YouTube with a Cabbage Patch doll in my lap working on my French Braids, Fishtails, Reverse Braids. You know the deal. This morning was the first time I even tried a Dutch Braid and I straight made that braid my bitch.”
Martin seems like a hair-braiding natural but, he says, “I grew up with brothers so we didn’t do much hair braiding. We spent less time grooming each other and more time trying to get Brendon to eat his scabs. But my wife is out the door right after she wakes the kids up and it’s up to me to make sure they don’t look like neglected little Appalachian-trash babies.”
“I love it,” says 5 year old Alyssa. “My dad can kick any braid’s ass. Right daddy?” Martin smiles and nods.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – GRACO is excited to announce the Happy Booster – a convertible car seat that comes pre-filled with crunchy Happy Meal french fries. “Our focus group studies have shown kids enjoy riding on a pin cushion of petrified french fries, ” says Graco Baby parent-company Newell Brands CEO Michael B Polk. “We listen to our riders. And we listen to what our riders need. We’re the first car seat brand that’s putting the comfort, and safety, of the passenger over the taste of some industrial designer or even the opinion of the child’s own parents. We put children first at GRACO. And children want to ride on crunchy french fries. And I’m not about to tell those children–,” he takes a breath before really tearing up and continuing.
“Humanity’s hope, that they can’t ride comfortably on a bed of stale, petrified, deep-fried potato sticks. I will not be the bad guy here.”
This has obviously been a passion project of his for awhile.
“I don’t know how those chumps over at Britax handle things. They’re probably too busy lining the pockets of Planned Parenthood or some shit to worry about the comfort of our most beloved generation.” He then leaned over the desk to spit directly into my iPhone’s microphone as if spitting on a person from Britax. “We care, goddammit. Any more stupid questions?” he said, apparently ending the interview. Which is fine. It stopped being funny in the first paragraph and I was pretty scared by the way he wouldn’t blink.
LA HABRA, CA – Any given Saturday, Costco can feel like a circus with bodies pushing over each other, racing to fill their shopping carts with oversized, under-priced consumer staples. Like a 5 gallon jug of mayonnaise for the same price per ounce as you’d pay for a 9 gallon jug anywhere else. Anywhere else that sells mayonnaise by the gallon, that is.
This Summer, select Costcos will become a circus. Starting today, Costco Customer Appreciation Summer Circus events will be popping up to show customers just how much Costco appreciates being the place people choose to shop for sacks of dry red beans, 100lbs at a time. “We’re up against Amazon who’s just offering more,” says Costco CEO W. Craig Jelenik as we tour one of the 10 Orange County Costcos test-running the Costco Circus program. “When people want 96 rolls of toilet paper, they know they have options. If they go to Amazon, they can buy toilet paper and watch a movie.” He ducks to allow a trapeze artist some space to work. “If they come to Costco for their toilet paper, they can watch a bear riding a unicycle. In real life!” And just like that, a bear rides by us on a unicycle. “See what I mean? Doesn’t that make you wanna grab a single package of 14 tubes of toothpaste or an HVAC system for your house or maybe both? You know you can buy both of those things here, right? In case you’re ever in the need for toothpaste, and a complete central air system overhaul, at the same time. We offer both of those products here, under the same roof, for some reason. Just bags of pre-mixed salads, adult diapers by the pallet, and garage shelving. All under one roof – where you can also get your eyes examined. So why not throw in a circus?”
And with that explanation, any why questions get replaced with how questions and we just move on. “Other than the, um, issue during yesterday’s dry run,” he said, referring to the lion attack on the elderly woman handing out microwaveable pot-sticker samples, “we’ve been having a great time.”
So come on down to select Costcos on Saturdays this summer. You can get a 48 count box of Squirt soda, have your tires rotated and watch a clown on 20 foot stilts navigate his way through the random stacks of books all under one roof. “We’ll always find unique and interesting ways to shove more shit and people into our stores,” Mr. Jelenik says with a smile.
I don’t want any part of your stupid fake roof photo idea, Dad. What the fuck are you guys so goddam happy about anyways? “Hey! This is what homeless people do!” That’s not funny, DAD! It NEVER rains in LA. Why would those poor people hold a fucking triangle over their head and smile like a couple of brainwashed Scientologists?
I’m too old for this shit. My brother would be out here. Out from under this stupid fucking cabin thing you’re trying to pull off. Out here in the… woods of our living room..? I guess?? I don’t get it!
No. I have to stop trying to make this make sense. I’m out from under whatever that is, and that’s it.
My brother would be out here, with me, if mom wasn’t holding him back. He could break through her palsied grip, but he’s weak, Dad. Weak in the mind. He gets that from you. He wants mom to love him so bad he’s selling me out and participating in this sham. As if people just sit around in their West Elm catalogue houses holding FAKE FUCKING ROOVES over their heads!!
This isn’t a thing! It’s not funny! Who the fuck plays the game Lets all pretend to be under a roof we’re holding up ourselves indoors?” I’m so beyond confused by this that I can’t even, for the life of me, start to guess what stereotype, or common experience you’re trying to replicate to even make this “joke” work beyond some superficial non-sequitor attempt at absurdity. But even absurdists have to reference some form of reality we all understand in order to highlight the flaws of the institution. What I mean is, the absurd has to have a basis in reality in order to work. Duh, Dad. This is– your oversized hat-of-garbage, or… something? That thing you think we all understand?
FUCK! I HATE THAT I’M RELATED TO YOU!!!!
I just guess I don’t get it Dad. Maybe we’ll never understand each other. And maybe that’s okay. All I know is, this? This fucking thing you got going on over your head that you think is so goddam cute and silly? It’s stupid, Dad. And I’ve never respected you less.