BLOG

9 Ways Babies Are Not Shake Weights

/ The Nuclear Unit / Leave a comment

Number 12 will make your head spin

Staying fit is tough. As parents our minds are always being pulled in different directions and sometimes things that seem obvious can confuse us. So we put together these 9 simple ways to tell your baby apart from your Shake Weight to avoid any unnecessary trips to the hospital. I guess we just care more than the other family news sites. Watch above, or read below!

Babies are great at working your patience but do nothing for your grip strength.

Shake Weights cost $30. Babies are free!

Babies evolved from monkeys. Shake Weights evolved from laziness.

You can’t just drop a baby off at Goodwill when you’re sick of using it.

Babies take all of your love. Shake Weights take all of your dignity.

Nobody’s gonna care if you steal their Shake Weight.

When you’re angry, you should never take it out on your Shake Weight.

Shake Weights are born potty trained…

…and the birthing process is much easier.

If you enjoyed this post, use those share buttons below to let your friends know how cool you are – reading these underground comedy blogs like some young, beautiful, college student.

Featured

THIS JUST IN: Your Family Perfect for Reality Show

/ The Nuclear Unit / Leave a comment

Everybody’s family is special. But none so special as yours! Somebody should make a show about you guys and how unique you all are! Check out some of these unique families below and share with someone you’re reminded of!!

Your dad is hysterical, when nobody’s around! Stick him in a house full of strange production crew members holding cameras and he’s sure to finally turn that magic on in front of company for once! And grandma can be a hoot, sometimes, we’ve all heard. A thousand times. Watch out Kardashians, there’s a new family dynasty in town!

Your family is definitely pretty enough for a reality show! With your blended, mixed-race marriage and ethnically ambiguous, beautiful stepkids, you’re an advertiser’s dream! As long as dad’s hairline doesn’t go and mom’s underarms stay firm, you’re a shoe-in for 4-7 seasons! Especially if your exes are crazy racist! I smell spinoff potential!

When your soon-to-be famous faces are plastered on billboards and buses across America, you’re sure to turn heads with, whatever you call this arrangement. Are the men lovers? Are they brothers? Are they both? Who’s baby is it really? Holy shit! I just realized someone isn’t wearing their birth gender! Who is it? I guess you’ll have to tune in Thursdays this fall on some deep cable station!

Your family definitely needs a show! You had me at speedos, but then you have a bear?? SPELLING QUIZ: How many dollar signs are in the word ‘perfection’? CHA- CHING! Talk about merchandising opportunities! Little speedo-wearing stuffed bears will be flying off shelves from Target to TJ Maxx!

Oh yeah! Quirky Amy with the white dish. That’s as much a thing as hunting ducks, or having too many kids, or building motorcycles! I hope she has a blind allegiance to some fringe politician or a catch phrase or something! That’ll keep ya in the news cycle.

Stop the presses! Should I call the police or call my wife over to watch Family Who Has Been Kidnapped By Dad Wants to Scream For Help But Were Told If They Did Anything Other Than Smile, if They Even So Much As BLINK During This Secret, Soundproof Safe Room, Photo Shoot They All Woke Up in the Middle of After Being Drugged That He Would Send Grandma Feet First Through a Wood Chipper While She’s Tied Up but Alive So Just Smile Real Fuckin’ Big for the Camera that’s starting in 5 minutes over on TLC?

A PREGNANT JOHN LARROQUETTE!!!!!! And other celebrities! See which celebrity gets to carry their baby to full term, and whose chances will end early this fall on Birthing With the Stars!!!

Gay dads! They’re just like us! I’m guessing this’ll stream on Amazon.