My Wish For America by A Conservative Dad

A conservative dad
Fireworks. One thing the Chinese can never take from us.


When my wife’s Chinese doctor delivered these two perfect little angels into my life, I knew that little Ronnie and baby-girl Reagan needed a strongman to fix this Land of Freedom for them. I had to stand up, turn off the Xbox and do what I could to help save this Great Country – the greatest country ever. I knew I had to do more than make their first words the pledge of allegiance. I knew I had to help make America great again. NOT THAT IT EVER WASN’T! But, more Greater. Again.


–under God.

I know this isn’t a popular opinion these days in America but God is Love. I didn’t make that up. You can read that anywhere. From in The Bible to the painted mirror hung over our couch. Is it so hard to unite behind Love? Do we even want the kind of people who can’t stand behind Love to be in our country? Amongst us? Come on. Not liking love is like not liking Christmas. And I don’t know anybody that doesn’t like Christmas. Well, other than Ahmed in the Engineering department. Or whatever his name is.

If we could just come together under one common purpose – LOVE – then all this bickering between the Righteous and the Libtards will go away. We can join together and stand against the inherent evils in this world like racism, murder, gun laws and China. It’s a great feeling, being united, in a group, where everybody agrees.

Look, God didn’t make America so we could spend all our time arguing over which person is more racist versus which person hates America the most. God made America to save the world, and if we could stand together – like we did on September 11th, 2001 – under the twin banners of freedom and love – then those transfellas that wanna become girls, and share a toilet with my daughter, Reagan, will see the light. They’ll say Look! Look at how awesome it is to be a soldier of christ! I don’t know what I was thinking back there about hacking my manhood off. I’d rather wear the breastplate of righteousness than a dress!

I won’t need to shame them into repentance. They’ll be overcome by the combined awesomeness of God and Old Glory. They’ll take “pride” in standing up for something that doesn’t involve which pronoun they answer to. These poor ladymen aren’t oppressed, they’re bored!

Nobody’s thinking about butt-fucking when they’re in a foxhole fighting for the greatest country ever to exist . If they ain’t sinning, they’re winning and I’ll take one of those reformed queers on my side any day. I would love to ask one of them how they stay so fit. And I would love to see each and every one of those Fruits in Heaven. I truly would. There is no hate in my heart. Hate the sin. Not the sinner.

Now I don’t want you to get all like this sounds like forcing religion on people. No. I respect the United States Constitution. I carry a copy in my front pocket everyday to remind myself I am in the greatest, most powerful, strongest country ever to exist. Not like North Korea. Ha! That shithole. I wonder what those people say about their country.

No. Unlike North Korea, this country has freedom of religion. Which is the ONE area in which I am pro-choice. There are so many different flavors of Protestant Christianity, preaching all different forms of the one true Truth, that people should be free to make a choice. You don’t have to be a Lutheran! We got all types of denominations. Even Non-Denominational! There’s like 8 or 10 translations of the one, true, Word. So that makes it easy. And if someone tries each one out, and nothing fits, they can always go Catholic. We have plenty of normal religion options the come with acceptable levels of superstition. We don’t need more. Don’t tell me you want a Scientologist on the Supreme Court making selling your stem cells to aliens mandatory. That’s not the America I wanna know.

Once our focus is off of each other, and on The Lord, it’s time to dig in and fix this Greatest Most Bestest Country in the History of Measuring the Greatness of Countries. And we gotta act now, before Bernie Sanders dumps his colostomy bag all over it.

Let’s stand together and stop the bickering.


Stop calling everybody racist. It’s getting tired. You might as well be calling everyone a witch, like that Ocasio-Cortez tramp. The name calling has to end. I honestly do not even know what “racist” means anymore. The definition has expanded so much to include every white person.

Like when I say, “We gotta build a wall, now! Otherwise, these immigrants are gonna get in here and before you know it we’ll all be speaking Mexican!” Everybody tells me how racist I am. I ain’t racist! Mexican ain’t a race. It’s a country, and a language. I don’t think I’m better because I’m white. Race ain’t got nothing to do with it. I’m better than them, because I’m American. America is my team. I’m better than Mexicans, Indians, Arabs, and Africans but I’m also better than Canadians, English, certainly the Germans definitely those pussy French and ain’t no way I ain’t better than a Jap. Heck, even Barack Hussein Obama is better than them because at least we’re pretty sure he was born here.

I am sick of having to say this over and over again: I am not racist. Even my last car rental was Japanese. I don’t hate anybody. I preach love. Acceptance of Jesus. And a tolerance for me standing to salute my flag. Is that a crime in this country now?


That’s what’s wrong with this country. Everybody’s looking in the mirror, concerned about how many retweets they’re gonna get on Instagram, and not concerning themselves with what Sharia Law might be doing to the fibers of this country. We have to think together, as one, like a country. Like a Voltron made of 50, beautiful, sovereigns who all agree to think the same, that can bury Russia under the Northern Sea, NOW, and not have to wait for climate change to do it.

It’s time for people to stop thinking of themselves as unique, individual, special snowflakes, who deserve free health care just because they pay so much in taxes to fund wars. That ain’t how you win the Game of Thrones. And that’s what these pussies need to know is that countries are all playing a game and we are in it, to win it. What do we win?

All of it.

All I know is America is the greatest country God ever put on this planet. And that’s all I need to know. And that’s why we don’t need to pay teachers all that much. How much money does someone need to teach kids how great God and country is? That’s the easiest job in the world. That’s like teaching them ice cream is delicious and Disneyland is fun.

Come on, America. Let’s do this right.