Applebees Introduces Gimp Masks For Families With Loud Children

GLENDALE, CA – In an effort to maintain the dining standards they wish they were known for, Applebees has introduced a pilot program in select markets where a gimp mask will be handed out with every kids menu. “We love all our customers. Even the families with uncontrollable monsters for children,” says company President John Cywinski. “When people come to Applebees to take advantage of our 2 for $20 dinner special, they want to enjoy their flash-processed, genetically modified, ‘food’ without some kid screaming about Blippi on his mother’s cell phone.”

Cywinski maintains that they are still a family restaurant chain. “We love the murmurs of little children,” he says. “That’s why we’re testing the new policy. To try and keep the noise level to a murmur.”

The company President confirms that if the program is successful, they will roll it out nationwide. “When people order their 2 for $20 dinner specials – which comes with an appetizer, 2 entrees and a dessert to share – we want our servers to be able to hear those orders. And all the petty substitutions that come with it,” he says. “We don’t want our servers to have to compete with some screaming kid who probably should’ve gone down for a nap 2 hours ago.”

So far, there have been no arguments from the parents about the new program. “Oh thank god,” says Mark Jessup from Simi Valley California. “After 3 hours of Octonauts blaring in the background, all I want is to sit and cleanse my brain’s palette with the calm din of an underpriced chain restaurant. Thank, you Applebees. Thank you.”

Couple Celebrates 27 Years of Complaining About Each Others’ Driving

SANTA BARBARA, CA – Jesse and Dianne met on a blind date 27 years ago and were married within six months. “It’s rare for a young couple, especially in California, to get married so quickly and so young,” says Dianne, 52. “The way he spoke of his future plans so passionately, his sandy blonde hair, his rolling stops with almost no regard for cross-traffic every, single, time we come to an intersection. Every SINGLE time–” she trails off and exchanges a loving smile with Jesse, “I knew the first night I wanted him as mine forever.”

“Nobody tailgates like Dianne,” Jesse says. “How she’s only ever been in one accident is a testament to the existence of luck or God or some kind of intervening force. Every time Dianne takes the wheel it’s a thrill ride with a fifty-fifty shot of survival.” Jesse kisses his wife. “And I’m the lucky man who gets to nag her about never checking her blind spot.”

“Whether he’s staring at his phone in his lap, flipping through podcasts, or rubbernecking to check out a woman at the bus stop, Jesse might be the most distracted driver on the planet. I can’t drive more than 6 blocks with him without my adrenal glands dumping their supply and freezing my voice box with fear,” says Dianne. “I can’t imagine driving cross-country, needling any other grown man about turn signals.”

The couple are planning a road trip up to Portland next month. “I just hope my quick-braking when a deer darts across the road, or a sudden stop in traffic while she’s napping, will spark a screaming match that will uncover some buried resentment she’s been bottling up so we can spend the first day there not talking to each other,” Jesse says. “It wouldn’t be vacation without a second day apology.”

“I love our apologies,” Dianne says.

Tonight the couple will celebrate their anniversary with a nice dinner at BJs Brewery that will culminate in an argument over whether or not three beers at dinner is too many drinks for Jesse to drive home.

Mexican Restaurant Servers Want Society to Know Plate is Hot


LOS ANGELES, CA – Servers representing all Mexican restaurants have released a joint statement warning any potential patrons that the plate they are about to set down is hot. “Be careful, the plate is hot,” Maria Garcia told us as she set down our chile relleno, crunchy taco combination lunch special. “Oh wait. Yours had no cheese,” she continued switching the plates. Servers from Don Juan’s, Baja Sabor, Alberto’s Cantina and Acapulco (the company responsible for spearheading the organization efforts) all wear different uniforms to work, all serve unique combinations of beans, tortillas and meat, all come from different walks of life. But all of these servers have come together for the first time ever to get the messaging out. “Some people don’t realize the plates will be hot, and I think it’s important for people to know,” said Jorge Ruiz from Santa Ana, Ca. who works the lunch shift at Frida’s Tacos in Cerritos. He continued “Every customer is different. Some are great tippers. Some are not. Some polite, some rude. But they all deserve to know their plate is hot. I think that’s important.”

Scientists are still trying to figure out why every plate at every Mexican restaurant is, in fact, hot. Oliver Gonzalez, the lead researcher on the Cato-financed Mexican Plate Study, believes that one day customers will be able to dine at a Mexican restaurant from a plate that will not lead to blistered hands and scalded forearms. In the mean time he says “Until we figure out a way – either through technology, or developing heat-resistant ceramics, or some other solution we haven’t even considered – to keep these plates cool to the touch the way other restaurants serving other fare do,” he said. “We have to take our hats off to the brave men and women on the front line who are handling these hot plates and warning us of their dangers.”

Weekend Dad Not Giving Up on Papa Johns

CARSON CITY, NV – A conference call with an advertising agency in which Papa John’s founder, John Schnatter, used a common racial epithet has turned into a firestorm of poor publicity against the company. The fallout has included a resignation from America’s most renown pizza peddler, a firestorm of angry tweets from customers with more vitriol towards the candor of its founder than the vomit inducing product they sell, and a pathetic attempt to win back over the public’s trust by making a laughable¬†apology commercial. Papa John’s is in the kind of bad place only another 9/11 could draw the negative attention away from.

But, 2 years after an ugly divorce that left him renewing the lease on the two bedroom apartment he was hoping was temporary, divorcee and weekend dad Jenson Cargill, 39, says he’s not willing to give up on Papa John’s just yet.

“Yeah, I read the news. I know the founder said something or whatever. But I don’t care. I lost my family, my home, my comfortable life, and half my income to my wife. I will not give up my Friday night tradition with my kids. What am I supposed to do? Plug another pizza joint’s number into my flip phone?” Cargill asks.

Cracking open his sixth Miller Lite, he continued “If I can forgive my son for saying he likes mommy’s new boyfriend better than me or my daughter calling me by my first name, I can forgive John Schnatter for saying a word that every English speaking American has said at least once.”

He then mumbled something incoherent about everything he loves being stripped away from him before laughing at his own belch. For Weekend Dad Jenson Cargill, Papa John’s is more than just a meal. It’s basically the only thing he eats from Friday night, to Monday morning thanks to their 2 Large Pizzas for $7.77 deal.

“32 bucks for 4 pizzas? And they say money can’t buy your children’s love. Their mom won’t feed them pizza. Not unless it’s made of whatever the fuck keen-wah is. Not to mention they’re the only pizza place with the decency to include that garlic butter dipping sauce. I take that sauce and all my kids’ uneaten crusts from the garbage and heat it all up for a buttery Monday morning breakfast.”

After an elongated moment of silence, Cargill walked towards his bathroom where he began repeatedly punching the door jam yelling “We better not find out the guy that invented Slurpees was a rapist or something because if you take that from me and my kids, I swear to God! I’d grab a gun and end it all. If my life insurance paid out on suicide.”

With what appeared to be a broken knuckle, Cargill abruptly ended the interview, asking our reporter to leave.