U.S. Genies Enraged Over Gratuitous Use of Blue Face in Disney’s Aladdin

disney aladdin genie angry
Photo Courtesy of Saladin of Carpathia’s Vlog

LOS ANGELES, CA – After becoming the third movie ever to break the billion dollar threshold during its international theatrical run, the genie community across America is up in arms over the use of blue face in Disney’s Aladdin remake. “This kind of treatment is unethical, unfair and un-American,” says Saladin of Carpathia, 26, local chapter leader of Metaphysical-American Against Prejudice. “Genies are not here just to serve humans. And these stereotypes are hurtful.”

“They couldn’t have hired a proper genie as the lead this time around?” asks Jinn Jinn – a 6000 year old genie who came into being during the Akiyan reign in ancient Assyria, but now calls Santa Monica, California, his home. “There are a ton of genies out there more qualified than Will Smith,” he asserts. “He can rap and act and all that, but has he ever granted a wish? I know nobody wished for a follow up to Gettin’ Jiggy With It.”

Jinn Jinn says considering the abilities of the film’s stars to draw at the box office is just another sign of racism. “See? It just goes to show you how Hollywood really feels about beings of color. If you’re blue, you’re through. All they care about is the green. Genies gotta pay rent, too. You can only get 6-12 months out of a landlord by granting him wishes for jewels and power. They wanna get paid. And we gotta eat too.”

“We don’t all sing and dance and make carpets fly,” Saladin continues. “I can’t go in public without grown men asking me for harems full of virgins, in front of their own children. Or their kids harassing me for mountains of ice cream,” he says. “This film treats our kind like a joke. You don’t get to walk up, rub my lamp and start making demands just because I’m a genie.”

“I don’t even like when I hear people referring to us as genies. We are Metaphysical Americans,” says Jinn Jinn. “It’s okay if we call each other genies, but it’s not cool for others to just throw around that term,” he added.


CVS Down To One Cashier For Every Three Locations

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NORWALK, CA – As the queue begins to overtake the seasonal aisle, people grow impatient waiting to buy their laxatives and ointments. “The pharmacist said someone should be up any minute,”says Jennifer, 31, taking her place back in line.

In an effort to keep prices competitive, CVS has instituted an employment policy of one cashier per every three retail locations. “It’s how we’re able to stay competitive in the market. Our overhead is just too high,” says regional manager Alex Reyes. “Half of our gross profits go right back into purchasing receipt paper,” he continues, referencing the 9 mile ribbon of coupons customers receive with every transaction. “After that, we’re pretty limited on how many people we can hire. Luckily, there’s a CVS location on every other block. Once our associate clears the queue at store number 317, he or she can shoot around the block to store number 323 and start chipping away at the line over there. And then the next store. And then- you get it. If there weren’t so many wonderful CVS locations for you to choose from, we might have to start closing stores.”

“It’s not that bad,” says Damon McDougal, the only CVS cashier for six miles. “The stores are pretty close. They pay for my gas. And it’s cool because, like, they don’t drug test here either.”

“We, unfortunately, do not have the flexibility to pay for our associates gas at the moment. But it’s a program we are looking into,” Reyes makes clear.

“Oh. They pay, for my gas,” corrects Damon, with a smile, as he pats his front pocket.

So far the the public has had mixed responses. Hector Avila, 41 of Santa Fe Springs says, “Do you work here?”

Norma Morales, 67, asks “Hello? Can I get some help?” She is here hoping to have some photos developed in time for a funeral and having a hard time getting the attention of a CVS cashier.


Fuck Off, Dad

“I’m sorry, Dad. But I’m not participating in this shit again.”

I don’t want any part of your stupid fake roof photo idea, Dad. What the fuck are you guys so goddam happy about anyways? “Hey! This is what homeless people do!” That’s not funny, DAD! It NEVER rains in LA. Why would those poor people hold a fucking triangle over their head and smile like a couple of brainwashed Scientologists?

I’m too old for this shit. My brother would be out here. Out from under this stupid fucking cabin thing you’re trying to pull off. Out here in the… woods of our living room..? I guess?? I don’t get it!

No. I have to stop trying to make this make sense. I’m out from under whatever that is, and that’s it.

My brother would be out here, with me, if mom wasn’t holding him back. He could break through her palsied grip, but he’s weak, Dad. Weak in the mind. He gets that from you. He wants mom to love him so bad he’s selling me out and participating in this sham. As if people just sit around in their West Elm catalogue houses holding FAKE FUCKING ROOVES over their heads!!

This isn’t a thing! It’s not funny! Who the fuck plays the game Lets all pretend to be under a roof we’re holding up ourselves indoors?” I’m so beyond confused by this that I can’t even, for the life of me, start to guess what stereotype, or common experience you’re trying to replicate to even make this “joke” work beyond some superficial non-sequitor attempt at absurdity. But even absurdists have to reference some form of reality we all understand in order to highlight the flaws of the institution. What I mean is, the absurd has to have a basis in reality in order to work. Duh, Dad. This is– your oversized hat-of-garbage, or… something? That thing you think we all understand?

FUCK! I HATE THAT I’M RELATED TO YOU!!!!

I just guess I don’t get it Dad. Maybe we’ll never understand each other. And maybe that’s okay. All I know is, this? This fucking thing you got going on over your head that you think is so goddam cute and silly? It’s stupid, Dad. And I’ve never respected you less.