Applebees Introduces Gimp Masks For Families With Loud Children

GLENDALE, CA – In an effort to maintain the dining standards they wish they were known for, Applebees has introduced a pilot program in select markets where a gimp mask will be handed out with every kids menu. “We love all our customers. Even the families with uncontrollable monsters for children,” says company President John Cywinski. “When people come to Applebees to take advantage of our 2 for $20 dinner special, they want to enjoy their flash-processed, genetically modified, ‘food’ without some kid screaming about Blippi on his mother’s cell phone.”

Cywinski maintains that they are still a family restaurant chain. “We love the murmurs of little children,” he says. “That’s why we’re testing the new policy. To try and keep the noise level to a murmur.”

The company President confirms that if the program is successful, they will roll it out nationwide. “When people order their 2 for $20 dinner specials – which comes with an appetizer, 2 entrees and a dessert to share – we want our servers to be able to hear those orders. And all the petty substitutions that come with it,” he says. “We don’t want our servers to have to compete with some screaming kid who probably should’ve gone down for a nap 2 hours ago.”

So far, there have been no arguments from the parents about the new program. “Oh thank god,” says Mark Jessup from Simi Valley California. “After 3 hours of Octonauts blaring in the background, all I want is to sit and cleanse my brain’s palette with the calm din of an underpriced chain restaurant. Thank, you Applebees. Thank you.”

Mexican Restaurant Servers Want Society to Know Plate is Hot

IT’S NOT JUST THE FAJITAS, FOLKS

LOS ANGELES, CA – Servers representing all Mexican restaurants have released a joint statement warning any potential patrons that the plate they are about to set down is hot. “Be careful, the plate is hot,” Maria Garcia told us as she set down our chile relleno, crunchy taco combination lunch special. “Oh wait. Yours had no cheese,” she continued switching the plates. Servers from Don Juan’s, Baja Sabor, Alberto’s Cantina and Acapulco (the company responsible for spearheading the organization efforts) all wear different uniforms to work, all serve unique combinations of beans, tortillas and meat, all come from different walks of life. But all of these servers have come together for the first time ever to get the messaging out. “Some people don’t realize the plates will be hot, and I think it’s important for people to know,” said Jorge Ruiz from Santa Ana, Ca. who works the lunch shift at Frida’s Tacos in Cerritos. He continued “Every customer is different. Some are great tippers. Some are not. Some polite, some rude. But they all deserve to know their plate is hot. I think that’s important.”

Scientists are still trying to figure out why every plate at every Mexican restaurant is, in fact, hot. Oliver Gonzalez, the lead researcher on the Cato-financed Mexican Plate Study, believes that one day customers will be able to dine at a Mexican restaurant from a plate that will not lead to blistered hands and scalded forearms. In the mean time he says “Until we figure out a way – either through technology, or developing heat-resistant ceramics, or some other solution we haven’t even considered – to keep these plates cool to the touch the way other restaurants serving other fare do,” he said. “We have to take our hats off to the brave men and women on the front line who are handling these hot plates and warning us of their dangers.”