California Mom Judging You For Using Disposable Diapers

STUDIO CITY, CA – Perpetual-drought state resident, and idealistic mother of a six month old boy, Jazzy Vermillion, 41, is judging you for using disposable diapers on your baby. “I watched a Netflix documentary on how plastic is just destroying the planet, and the things they put in those diapers are basically just plastic poison. So you’re kind of poisoning your baby.” she tells us, struggling to rinse a soiled diaper over her toilet with clean, potable water. “I can’t tell you how to raise your kids. If you want your children to grow up in a world without dolphins, that’s your choice as a Mother. For me personally – and again, you do things your way if you want – I just can’t get be responsible so much waste,” she continued, flushing her toilet.

While the sun-parched hills of Ventura County burn just 30 minutes north of her, with rising smoke visible from her kitchen windows, Jazzy continues rinsing her baby’s soiled undergarments until they’re almost white again. “Sure these diapers are a huge pain the ass. But it’s worth it. I want to instill a conservationist spirit into Sebastian. That’s why I always take him into our backyard and lay him down on our beautiful, lush green lawn under the avocado tree so he can appreciate nature and how important it is to conserve. But that’s just me. You can totally raise your child like a white trash Kentucky hill person if you want.”

When asked about her plans for the diapers after her son is potty trained she plans to, “I don’t know, toss them in the trash? Ew. I’m not gonna offer my friends old, used diapers. That’s weird. Maybe my housekeeper will want them.”

This afternoon she’ll be driving her Land Rover to a Mommy and Me class – conveniently located one block from two forms of public transportation – to judge one of the mothers who still feeds her child snacks with gluten in them.

Husband Did Dishes Last Night, So Tonight Wife’s Turn to Do Dishes, Laundry, Vacuum, Put Kids to Bed

ESCONDIDO, CA – In an attempt to give the household chores a more equitable distribution, full-time working parents Mike and Elaine Thompson have decided to divvy up the chores so they’re both contributing in the home. Last night Mike did the dishes after dinner. So tonight it’s Elaine’s turn to do the dishes, load the laundry, vacuum the stairs, correct homework and put the kids to bed.

“I love that instead of fighting about who’s doing what and who’s contributing how, we were able to find a solution to help alleviate our stress. On Saturday I’ll sweep the garage while Elaine will do the grocery shopping, dust the bookshelves, clean the kids’ bathroom and walk the dog,” Mike says.

“We both work full time jobs so it’s pretty easy to let the house get out of hand. But like when he mows the lawn, I take the kids to soccer practice, meal prep for the week, pick up the dry-cleaning, and itemize our tax deductions, so the house doesn’t go to pot.”

“We’re both doing our part,” Mike added.

Mike says they’ve worked out a system that really seems to keep them happy. “Happy? We definitely fight a little less. That’s for sure,” Elaine says.

Every day they consult a daily chore calendar. For example, on Tuesdays it’s Mike’s responsibility to put the trash bins out by the curb while Elaine wakes the kids, gets them dressed, cooks them breakfast, packs their lunches, packs their backpacks and takes them to school. And during summer vacation when the kids are out of school, Elaine will take the trash bins to the curb, while Mike sleeps in.

“It’s a pretty great system,” Mike says.

“I told Mike that if I could get just 10 more minutes of sleep everyday, I’d be a new person. And he really came through.”

Tomorrow it’s Mike’s turn to make dinner – reheated leftovers, his specialty – while Elaine will change the bed sheets, walk the dog, wash the car, re-pad the car brakes,  post their old treadmill on Craigslist, iron Mike’s football-watching jersey, clean the oven, replace a couple of roof tiles, fold socks and spay the cat. Afterwards she’ll cuddle up with Mike on the couch and watch the last five minutes of whatever show he’s watching.

“You gotta make time to spend with each other. Happy wife, happy life,” Mike says with a smile.

Weekend Dad Not Giving Up on Papa Johns

CARSON CITY, NV – A conference call with an advertising agency in which Papa John’s founder, John Schnatter, used a common racial epithet has turned into a firestorm of poor publicity against the company. The fallout has included a resignation from America’s most renown pizza peddler, a firestorm of angry tweets from customers with more vitriol towards the candor of its founder than the vomit inducing product they sell, and a pathetic attempt to win back over the public’s trust by making a laughable apology commercial. Papa John’s is in the kind of bad place only another 9/11 could draw the negative attention away from.

But, 2 years after an ugly divorce that left him renewing the lease on the two bedroom apartment he was hoping was temporary, divorcee and weekend dad Jenson Cargill, 39, says he’s not willing to give up on Papa John’s just yet.

“Yeah, I read the news. I know the founder said something or whatever. But I don’t care. I lost my family, my home, my comfortable life, and half my income to my wife. I will not give up my Friday night tradition with my kids. What am I supposed to do? Plug another pizza joint’s number into my flip phone?” Cargill asks.

Cracking open his sixth Miller Lite, he continued “If I can forgive my son for saying he likes mommy’s new boyfriend better than me or my daughter calling me by my first name, I can forgive John Schnatter for saying a word that every English speaking American has said at least once.”

He then mumbled something incoherent about everything he loves being stripped away from him before laughing at his own belch. For Weekend Dad Jenson Cargill, Papa John’s is more than just a meal. It’s basically the only thing he eats from Friday night, to Monday morning thanks to their 2 Large Pizzas for $7.77 deal.

“32 bucks for 4 pizzas? And they say money can’t buy your children’s love. Their mom won’t feed them pizza. Not unless it’s made of whatever the fuck keen-wah is. Not to mention they’re the only pizza place with the decency to include that garlic butter dipping sauce. I take that sauce and all my kids’ uneaten crusts from the garbage and heat it all up for a buttery Monday morning breakfast.”

After an elongated moment of silence, Cargill walked towards his bathroom where he began repeatedly punching the door jam yelling “We better not find out the guy that invented Slurpees was a rapist or something because if you take that from me and my kids, I swear to God! I’d grab a gun and end it all. If my life insurance paid out on suicide.”

With what appeared to be a broken knuckle, Cargill abruptly ended the interview, asking our reporter to leave.

Local Dad Unsure How to Respond to Son Pooping in Tub

FT. WORTH, TX – With his wife Tabby Lane, 29, gone on a rare girls night out, Dennis Lane, 31, was playing “sink the ducks” with his son in the tub when Jeremy, 13 months, paused to force out a messy, fibrous, shit.

“I have no idea what to do. I can’t run downstairs and grab the spaghetti colander and leave him alone.”

If it was a solid movement, Dennis swears he could reach in with a piece of toilet paper and retrieve the waste. If it was diarrhea, he could drain the tub.  “I can’t drain the tub and be stuck with a shit-covered baby or a clogged drain,” he says. “We just paid $450 to have Roto Rooter fish out he tennis ball he flushed down the toilet.

But this bowel evacuation was somewhere in between. Thick enough to have floaters, thin enough, to cloud the bathwater. “What do you even do with shit covered bath toys?Is this a ‘rinse ’em off’ type situation or a ‘start fresh with new toys’ type deal?”

Dennis has tried everything from pacing, to scratching his head, to posting on social, to reaching out to close friends and family. His mother could only offer,  “That must come from Tabby’s side. You never did anything like that.” A message to his Fantasy Football group text only gained responses of joke gifs and memes, mocking his situation.

“Why does he have to be in bed by 7:00 every single night? Why couldn’t I just finish the game like I wanted to? This could’ve been contained in a diaper and he would’ve been in bed by 7:30, 8:00 tops. Now I’m definitely not doing to see the 4th quarter. Jesus, Tabs, why won’t you answer your texts?”

As the bath water is cooling down and Jeremy is growing more and more upset about being told ‘no no no!’ every time he tries to re-eat a piece of corn, Dennis is trying to rig a sling with the bathmat and shower curtain to move his son into the master bathroom like an Orca being transferred between pools at Sea World.

“I can get to the tub later. The important thing now is to get my son safely in bed, so I can catch the 4th quarter.”

Star Stay-at-Home Mom Makes Long Awaited Decision on Which Multi-Level Marketing Scam to Commit To

DALLAS, TX – After two months of taking meetings with recruiters from upwards of 17 pyramid schemes, Melanie Thrush, 32, has finally made her long awaited decision on which multi-level-marketing scam to commit to. She’s sampled weight loss supplements, done fittings for loud and colorful leggings, been given facial after facial, and even been wined and dined at dildo parties. After careful deliberation – and against the advice of relatives – she’s finally made a commitment to a scam.

“I’m going with overpriced dish rags. They’re all natural. Machine washable. Reusable. And you only need to get them wet. You don’t even need any harsh cleaners. Which is great, because I’ve always hated chemicals,” she said, while applying mascara. She went on to half-explain the antibacterial properties of positive ions the magic rags emanate, but admitted she still hasn’t had a chance to really delve into the sales literature.

Her up-line Carla – an old middle school acquaintance she reconnected with on Facebook – was ecstatic to have duped her into the program. “She’s got everything we want out of a recruit. A go-getter attitude, an active social media presence, kids in elementary school that free her up during peak scamming hours, a husband with some disposable income. She really checks off all the boxes. Plus, she’s my sixth down-line recruit so now I’m a diamond level leader. Woot woot!”

Starting any business is hard. Especially when you haven’t developed the product, price points, distribution models or pay structure. But Melanie doesn’t see any of this as a problem. She’s ready to hit her Facebook feed hard and start alienating her friends and family to potentially earn upwards of $36 a month. All she needs to do is sign up six people in her downline who will each spend a minimum of $175 a month. “We all know six people who want to be financially independent, right? And then if those six people find six people, then those six people find six people. And on and on. That money just adds up. Look, I’m not just going to be selling a miracle cleaning product. I’m selling opportunity.”

When asked about the millions who failed at Amway, the SEC investigations into the legality of Herbalife, and how the math would work on a virtually unlimited number of people all sharing in the same profit margin she responded, “Whether you believe you can, or believe you can’t, you’re right.”

9 Year Old Stumbles Into Alt-Right Zone of Club Penguin Island

BELLINGHAM, WA – On a quest to rid the tropical island of the mountain ice so thick only lava could melt it, 9 year old Zachary Duckworth – player name: BatmanSpidermanDinosaur – was collecting hot sauce bottles to pour into volcano vents to set off a volcanic eruption, when he befriended a penguin with the player handle JigglyJellyBean who guided him to a tavern in the part of an island Zachary had never visited. “I never saw an all-white penguin before. I thought he was cool looking.”

Zachary says the tavern was full of other all-white penguins. Some had guns. Some had American flags “with funny ninja stars on them,” Zachary says, referring to the swastikas. “Snowball9681 had a super cool red hat and was giving this speech with a crowd gathered around him. He was telling everybody how the half-breed puffins are ruining the island. I thought that was silly, but when he started talking about ‘white penguin genocide’ he just made sense. Penguin diversity does equal white penguin genocide,” he said, adding, “what’s a genocide again?” He stayed in that tavern for 2 hours listening to Snowball9681 rail against the government, player HillaryClinton, how abortion is destroying the white penguin community and how all the brown penguins are bringing crime to the island.

Zachary, who still can’t fall asleep without telling the monster under his bed he knows karate, began acting strange at home. He wears army fatigues daily and openly curses penguins of other colors claiming its his patriotic duty as a citizen of Club Penguin Island, insisting “It’s not hate. It’s heritage.” His mother Tamara Duckworth, 34, has decided to limit his iPad game time to 1 hour a day in the hopes of breaking what she calls an innocent, childish phase. “All kids plot a race war, right?” She laughed, visibly shaken and uncomfortable. “I’d just delete the game, but we paid for a year up front. And he’s been spending a lot of time playing in the knife drawer so… I’m kinda stuck.”

Retired San Francisco Grandparents Sell Modest 3 Bedroom Home, Buy Entire State of Wyoming

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After 36 happy years in the Pacific Heights neighborhood, Donald and Gretchen Sandoval have sold their meager, 1400 sq. ft., 3 bedroom Edwardian style home and used the money to purchase the state of Wyoming.

“After realtor fees and taxes, we had just enough left over to either spend our retirement traveling this great country in our own private jet, or we could buy a land mass bigger than the United Kingdom. Real Estate has been good to us so far, so we went with Wyoming. Plus, Gretchen just loves the wilderness,” Donald explained.

They moved to the The Golden City and bought the house back when people could afford to both live there, and eat three square meals a day; without starting a popular social network or owning a nationwide chain of Crossfit gyms. Donald, a retired History teacher, and Gretchen, who used to work an information booth at Candlestick park, are one of the last middle class couples to live in the area, and they say they’re going to miss it. Donald was especially sentimental. “It’s where we raised our kids. It’s where we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. It’s where I first tried Kombucha. I’m gonna miss this place.”

“I won’t miss the traffic,” Gretchen joked. She says she’s always been into gardening and is excited to be able to try her hand at 97,000 square miles of arable property. “I know the perfect little area I can clear out to grow my tomato plants. Cheyenne.”

San Francisco will truly miss these former high school sweethearts, and the big city wishes them a happy and fruitful retirement as proud owners of this country’s least populated state.

 

Progressive Couple Concerned Son Exhibiting Straight Tendencies

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AUSTIN, TX – Owners of local vegan restaurant Kale ‘n Me Softly, Carl and Marianne  Sturgis-Hemmingway are growing increasingly concerned that their 12 year old son Kalin is exhibiting gender-normative tendencies. Which, they say, isn’t the way he’s being raised.

“We are trying to raise a person with inherent depth. Like someone who identifies as gay, gender fluid, or transpecial. Someone interesting, who could be the subject of a documentary, or a leader in identity politics. Someone important,” Carl admitted.

Marianne says she first noticed he was acting different two years ago on a cool October Sunday. “On our way to the farmers market we passed an open air sports bar with football on TV and he stopped to watch it,” Marianne said, wiping away her tears. “He was [*sniff*] smiling. Like he really enjoyed it. Oh! My little they-bie.”

“Disgusting.” Carl added. “When we caught him he just turned away, embarrassed. Nobody talked about it, but we all know what we saw.”

Since the football watching incident, Kalin’s straight tendencies have been surfacing more and more. This spring he asked to sign up for baseball – a request that was quickly shut down by his father as it would interfere with his interpretive dance classes. At the latest women’s march, he refused to wear his pussy hat stating “pink is for girls.” And his favorite pastime seems to be belching to make his sister laugh. Not good signs for the progressive hopefuls.

Carl says his biggest concern is his son’s (or whatever he eventually chooses to identify as) safety. “Look. I’m not a bigot. However other people choose to live their disgusting, cis-hetero lives in their own homes is their business. I’m concerned about my son’s safety if he’s out there flaunting his straight, whiteness. What will the kids at his art school think if they find out he prefers the company of women in a hetero-normative way? What if one of them makes fun of him and he becomes… aggressive?”

“Oh my god! Do you really think he might be the aggressive kind of straight?” Marriane worried. “Is he going to join rape culture?”

“I can’t even think about that, Marianne. You’re going to make me vomit.” Carl continued,
“I want him to learn from my mistakes. If he’s going to be straight and white and identify as male, I just hope he develops a preference for women of Asian, African, Hispanic or Indigenous descent. If he chooses to be straight, at the very least, we’d like grandkids who are cultured and interesting.”

The couple says they are weighing all options including Straight Conversion Therapy to help bring their son in line. But the progressive couple have got their hands full, noting a nervousness about the amount of time their six year old daughter plays with her brother’s dolls, instead of her Tonka trucks. They’ll be monitoring that situation as it progresses and we’ll report back as the story unfolds.

Dad Secretly Enjoying Past 3 Days of Silent Treatment

OLYMPIA, WA – After a minor disagreement over dirty dishes in the sink turned into a deep-cutting screaming match regarding parental responsibilities and familial contributions in general, Ken Graves, 37, has been given The Silent Treatment by his wife Diane. And he’s loving every minute of it.

“Yesterday she stormed off with the kids and left for four hours. I noticed on the bank statement a charge for $67 at Home Goods and what looked like a lunch at Red Robin. And I didn’t have to go! It was pretty incredible.” Ken spent his free time finally cleaning up his email inbox, organizing his tools, playing the music he likes, and not watching another episode of Property Brothers on HGTV.

“It’s all been pretty great, but the best part has been the sleep. She hasn’t woken me up to help with the kids in the morning. Turns out she’s fully capable of pouring them cereal and turning on the TV without me.”

Ken says he’s proud of his wife. “I think she’s really growing during this episode. Discovering her independence. She even killed a spider in the bathtub last night. She didn’t scream for me to come upstairs. I think she needed this. It’s been a growth opportunity for her.”

It’s been 78 hours since their disagreement went nuclear and Ken says he thinks this has really put a spark in his marriage. “I think some time away every once in a while is healthy for us. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I’ve heard. I’m expecting to start growing fond again in another day or so. My laundry’s starting to pile up. But right now, things are pretty fantastic.”

Last night, falling asleep alone in the guest room with the fan and ESPN both on – something, he noted, he hasn’t been able to do since Diane went on a business trip last August – Ken thought this might be a great way to spend Thanksgiving and Super Bowl Sunday. “I just wanna watch football without being called away to look at something my daughter drew or to have a discussion about curtains Diane thinks we should buy. So I’ll probably pee in the shower in front of her or maybe feed the kids something with gluten to earn myself a little alone time.”

Diane could not be reached for comment. Obviously.

Dad Saves $1.83 After Waiting 45 Minutes In Costco Gas Line

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NORWALK, CA – After what could’ve been roughly two relaxing episodes of The Ranch or some real quality time with his 4 year old daughter, local father of 3 Dean Schnatter was more than ecstatic after saving almost $2 in just under an hour filling up the roughly 14 gallon gas tank on his late model Toyota Camry at the Costco gas pumps this afternoon.

“A penny saved is a penny earned. And boy did I save some pennies today,” stated the frequent Daily Fantasy Sports gambler. “It’s important to save anywhere you can. In case my kids go to college or something.” He noted between slurps from his $5 iced Starbucks coffee.

“Gas is where they get you. Those other stations are a suckers bet. Who’s gonna pay $3.76 a gallon at that Chevron across the street when there’s gas over here for $3.68? I saved almost two bucks today – if you round up.” He beamed. “I fill up twice a month. That’s $4 a month. Multiply that over a year and, well, you do the math.”

Schnatter plans to use put his savings towards the rental of a Red Box movie and a Lotto scratcher to share with his wife.